Living on West Tulsa Time

this week was so nutty.

2011-01-27T09:36:00.000-08:00

Monday, I planned on keeping myself up and going. I wanted to get projects done just to clear them from my mind. While I was trying to sew, Eddie decided to get up and get moving himself, leaving the baby running loose to attack me at the sewing machine. Attack he did.... little E likes to reach under my blouse and tickle me. The moment he picked to tickle me caused me to break a needle in my machine and smash my fingernail beneath the broken shaft. My fit of pain sent the boy scurrying for protection and when he couldn't find Eddie he threw his own fit. Of course I corrected Eddie...Don't leave the baby unattended when I'm sewing....Don't leave the baby to cry just so you can do something you should wait until the baby is in bed to do.... I managed to finish 2 of my projects and supervise Eddie's project too. He was frustrated with me though and clearly showed it physically as well as verbally. I tried really hard to stay up beat about it. I did have to go to bed to deal with the emotional aftermath. I counted on Eddie waking me when he left so I could shower and prepare to peel out of here when he returned with the big boys. I don't know if he didn't or I just slept through it. So to add to my emotional stress I was rushing to not only prepare for my den meetings early but shower and dress to make it to a doctor's appointment I could not miss.

This new doc says most of my tummy trouble comes from not having a gall bladder. What makes it worse is 3 of my medications and the way I stress out over things. He knows that 2 of my medications will cause dizziness and nausea which is why I've had to lay down when I get stressed too. Okay, we'll plan on eliminating those medications as well as taking an interior look at my system with an upper and lower GI. I have a month to prepare..... booo.

I return home to find my boys so grounded they can't go to their den meetings. I opt to stay home with them instead of trying to teach Eddie's den lessons. We have the normal, screaming, slamming of doors, kicking of walls and throwing of toys when the boys don't want to return to their rooms while I'm on the phone with dil, Kelli. I get the baby off to bed, and G-man moved to the living room which has been rearranged to grounded mode. Eventually Tiger goes to sleep, G-man is full of food and Eddie and I can migrate to our room. We talk about the den meetings, the phone call, the groundings and our plans to Tuesday. We manage to get to bed.

Tuesday, I didn't get anything done I intended to do. I was still dealing with the aftermath of the groundings and homework trouble so I was still upset and so ready for bed time Tuesday night.

Wednesday was going to be different. G-man was going to get a pass on any late papers from the previous 2 weeks of absences and snow days, Tiger was going to get out of the house again and the baby was being so sweet and cuddly things just couldn't be bad. Then the pharmacy refused to refill Tiger's good manners medicine until this morning...the boy needed to take it at 7:30 this morning and the pharmacy doesn't open until 9!!!! G-man "forgot" to do a page of homework Monday night and was once again grounded plus he had already lost privileges for leaving dirty night clothes in the floor. Tiger wanted all the attention at homework time, which isn't unusual but he also didn't want to follow directions. Finally I get homework, and snacks out of the way. Tiger goes to play, G-man goes to make a mess with Legos and little E hangs out with me. Eventually, Tiger's playtime is infiltrated by the mean boys. One mean boy points a bb gun at Tiger's face and Tiger aims a foot at the boy's groin. Big brother mean boy goes on the attack and Tiger is sent home for the evening for being the only mean boy...huh? nooo, that can't be right but in Tiger's emotional mind he has been banished forever. I hug and rock him then when he's ready to tell me the story I let him move away and tell me. Okay, the kid got in trouble for aiming below the belt which hacked Tiger off. His retaliation was to start screaming mean things at me and the baby so now, I'm not only stressed but feeling emotionally spent. I still have 20 minutes before I can leave the house to go get Eddie and head to church. Tiger is still spewing venom on the trip across the river view road. He's also within reach of the baby to torment the poor boy.

I'm screaming by the time I get Eddie and I realize I need to buy gas before heading to the church which will put my bus route behind schedule too. Once Eddie returns to the jeep after fueling, I'm in time saving route driving mode and I don't want to talk. I just want to concentrate on my driving. Eddie's in control of the brats in the back.

I whiz into the parking lot and scurry to my van smarting off that Eddie made the boys lock the jeep then realizes he's locked the baby's one and only cup in the jeep as well, um, oopsie

As I start preparing the van to leave I notice one of the elder/deacon/guy in my Sunday School class approaching the passenger side of my van with a quizzical look on his face I look back to see him speaking to one of our younger guys who has just as much responsibility in church and realize I can actually see and hear them. A window is gone. Okay, I can't drive this van. Where's the key to the other one? I borrow a key from my favoritist youth minister and I zoom off to pick up my route. I'll interject here that my cell phone isn't working so no one has been able to warn me about route changes and such since I left the house at 5:15. I go to pick up my first kids and I suddenly get overloaded with kids. One apartment is responsible for rounding up 10 kids. I don't have any room for more. I have to return to the church drop off this crowd and go back for my others and just check on those kids I don't usually pick up in the same neighborhood. I pick up my route and a few others and make it back to the church. I'm visibly shaking by this time. Once I settle down a little, I manage to get a hug from Eddie and spill my guts to one of my mentors, husband and a young adult on my route. I should have been up setting up craft tables instead of whining and listening to commiserations.

Either because I was wired the kids are all wired or because I'm wired the kids seem more out of control last night, I just couldn't seem to get the kids to leave me alone and listen to the teacher. Then they were argumentative when I repeated the instructions again and again.

I thought things would be so much easier when I returned my kids home and got back to the church. However the children's minister, my ally in all of the route confusion, has to re load my poor patched up van and take off in it himself because his keys to the spare van are missing.

I would say the night couldn't get any worse but it did. Words were said, feelings were hurt and I finally had to break down and meditate just to get some of the stress out of my body. I did manage to sleep well though this morning was just as stress filled.

I still had to keep the un-medicated boy home from school which also led to keeping G-man home too. Tiger in irritation mode sitting next to the baby is a bad combination if you want to have a good drive anywhere. When I finally get to the pharmacy....the prescription is still not filled. Tiger doesn't want to take it with water when it is filled. I'm grumbling about them taking 40 extra minutes to actually fill the stinking prescription and I'm in no mood to fight with Tiger again.

Eventually, I get the good manners medicine in Tiger. G-man and Tiger unloaded at school and I return home. When I get the baby out of the car seat, he's asleep. In an unusual sequence of events instead of waking or flopping backward to avoid my shoulder I got the ultimate cuddle. Awwwe, that made it all worth it.

I've still had a few fumbles here today. There's a missing cup, the brownies are thicker than I like them. I still have to wrestle the scooter out of the garage so the repair guys can have it. However, I'm on a chocolate high. I think I'll be fine. I have even managed to skip that energy sucking nap so far....

Rocco's Recipes #1, 2 and 3

2011-01-27T09:24:00.000-08:00

Magnificent Mayonnaise.

I love this stuff. I was grainy when we first tried it but I got used to the texture quickly. I chalked it up to the greek yogurt. Eddie loves that kind of yogurt so our testing of the recipe had been delayed by the need to purchase an additional container of yogurt.

Artichoke Spinach dip...

once again our efforts were put off by the need to purchase ingredients. We tried for 5 days to remember to either make a list or find the time to just get to the store. However Monday night we were able to make the dish. Eddie was the cook. He did a great job.

Brownies

I have been incredibly stressed the last few days so this morning I decided I would attack a recipe on my own. I made the brownies. They are great texture wise but the sweetness is a little off due to the artificial sweetener. That's okay by me though, less carbs to count.

I made a mistake last week.

2011-01-23T07:13:00.000-08:00

I'm allergic to pepper. Not just chilies but even pepper corn and paprika. I think cumin and coriander are similar but they don't make me as miserable as simple black pepper.

My husband made himself a plate of microwaved potatoes with butter, cheese and pepper Wednesday night. I just had to have his left overs, so I ate the potato he didn't eat with pepper on it. My life went down hill after that. I woke up itching like crazy and my chest hurt like I had taken a punch to the sternum. I knew heart wise I was just fine, my tongue was not swollen, I was just miserable from being folded in on myself trying to scratch. Is this making anyone else feel like scratching? Luckily my husband stayed home from work to "take a snow day" with the boys. I took a benedryl and stayed in bed all day. This was my mistake on Thursday.

Friday, I managed to keep my post benedryl fidgeting under control, handled the boys and the baby reasonably well and managed to sleep but my skin was still itchy and I had this feeling. Something I ate did not quite agree with me. I again took a benedryl. The medication has an anti-vomiting property in it which is great when I know that being sick like that would just make me more miserable. Vomiting causes my teeth to ache on a migraine scale.

Saturday, I once again had the fidgets and my benedryl hangover. I managed to deal with each in turn. The boys and I managed to keep from screaming at each other all day. I turned my fidgets into baking until the enticing smells caused the boys' brains to melt then I had a melt down of herculean proportions. Finally, I just had to keep fidgeting last night. I managed to get all the Christmas decorations taken down and put away although my husband didn't really feel up to doing anything but watching movies. I played into that by assigning him the task of sitting under the baby while watching said movies. I think I nearly drove him nuts. He couldn't just get up and wander around... he had to keep the baby out of my way. Poor guy, his life is just so tough.

Clearing out the Christmas stuff always leads to sneezing fits for him but I just didn't care. Bringing it out leads to the same sneezing fits for us all and by gum, I was tired to looking at it all. All this Christmas stuff was delaying my ability to celebrate the festival of birthdays which started on the Jan 6th this year. My grand daughter turned 1.

I can't tell you how light the living room feels with all the Christmas stuff gone. I am probably just reacting to the endorphins of being active. I was really silly last night and exchanged all the votive cups in my candle sticks for black tapers. Yes Black... I'm in mourning of my youth. I will be 40 in just a few more days. So I plan on burning those black candles just for pure silliness. That's me.

Part of my fidgets yesterday is the yearly, tax time hype. I have to wait on two 10-99 tax papers to come in and I need to apply for the baby's social security number before we can actually file our taxes but I'm getting fired up to spend all that money. Planning to see where I can squeeze this or that dime out for this little trinket or promised item. Budgeting truck repairs and debt pay downs in with get away plans. I go through this every year.

Meanwhile physically, I was caught in huge pain cycle which left me almost too pain filled to rest again last night and once again needing a Benedryl to keep the bile from rising. I am so hung over right now just breathing and typing are very loud activities. I wouldn't be out of bed if my hunger and my fidgeting weren't winning the battle over my ears and brain. Listening to a book about a blogger also contributed to my need to write. I am going to commit myself to getting out of my head for a few minutes a day everyday in this way because I need the outlet.

I pray everyone outside of my head finds comfort today.

Debby

I am going to turn this kid over to dhs

2010-11-22T14:16:00.000-08:00

I'm so frustrated by this screaming baby that I'm crying. I used to think the droning of a fan was the most ear splitting/irritating sound but now, not so much. I couldn't even hear a fan now. He cries when I out of the room he cries when I come back he goes to do something and cries because he's frustrated. I can't console him either. It's like living with a siren going. The only thing that does shut him up is a bottle. A crying baby with food in his mouth is a dangerous and very messy thing.

whew what a few weeks

2010-11-10T10:50:00.000-08:00

Little E has mega separation anxiety now. It started while he was sick and has just escalated. It started when Eddie would put him down to go to the kitchen. It has progressed to whenever Eddie comes into the room E thinks he should be picked up immediately and packed around. A week ago I was resorting to doing anything I could to get E's attention, usually screaming his name and getting him to stop following Eddie around. No it's me too. I can't go to the bathroom, change clothes, put away laundry nothing. This is getting old.

Meanwhile I'm still suffering from my ears. It's rough to sleep at night. I slept wrong and I have an aching up the left side of my spine. I did all the stretches I could today to relieve it and well, I made it worse, oops. 8[

I am a day behind on my cleaning schedule, I'm doing laundry today instead of cleaning bathrooms. I'm putting off those bathrooms for as long as I can. I'll ask Eddie to do the boys bathroom tonight. I've been working on mine a little at a time too. Just gotta put a polish on the fixtures and spray down the shower.

I soooo don't want to do anything today.

I shouldn't feel that way, I stayed in bed til 10 much to E's displeasure. I've eaten a decent breakfast but still I feel like I have cotton in my head, especially my ears. I've been drinking milk products so that could be part of the problem.

I need some energy. I'm not getting it from the music although E is. I posted on FB he doesn't know whether to eat or two-step. He can't do both at the same time. So far it's much more dancing than eating but at least he's eating more than chasing after me crying.

The long and short of my day is I'm not moving. Yes, I can't get my self out of this chair and to quell any questioning by people who don't have any reason to know, I'm not moving out of my house either. When I was asked about that, I started feeling like Rockwell, "I always feel like somebody is watching me..." So either our nosy people heard about my aunt discussing her move with my husband, or saw my own broken down truck parked at the house and my jeep gone or saw an out of date foreclosure listing, (before my inheritance when I was spending money on my grandbaby instead of paying bills) Don't know, but it's bugging me. MYOB people.

I did smart off that now that E lives with us we need a bigger house, but sure as shooting, we would move and then E's dad would get his mess together and we could give him back. Naaaaaahhhhh, it's not worth the hassle. Couldn't afford to upgrade all the stuff here to make it sell-able anyway.

I am slowly concocting ways to upgrade but it's only going to be for my taste not for resale. Okay, this is boring me so I'm off to knit.

Things are getting crazy around here.

2010-11-04T15:35:00.000-07:00

Now that Little E is feeling better and I'm feeling better it's time to get back to work. However I'm getting things mixed up and forgetting things left and right.

First I knitted 5 inches of my commissioned throw today, and forgot to put in the cable twist every 2 inches. Ripping it out was stressful trying to keep it from running and the baby out of the ravelings. I thought I would take a break from knitting and get some quilting done, Now I can't find my project folder for the quilt I need to cut out. I dashed an email off to the client and went to focus on something else. Now I know why I wasn't taking a lot of orders while Tiger wasn't in school. I tried working on the quilt in my frame but the baby kept ripping it off the frame. I have some stitches to rip out now. I guess I'm going to have to start working at night and sleeping in the floor while the baby plays in the playroom just to get money for Christmas.

Oh I also broke an agreement today. I took something personally and fired off a post to reply. Now I'm even more on edge. Mentally kicking my own tail for climbing into the ring of verbal sparring instead of walking away.

As I mentioned I forgot to do some things today. I meant to take prescriptions to the pharmacy and pick up snacks for Tiger's class. Left the scrips at home and was so ticked at the store I just got the formula and sippy cups I had to buy and left. Made an extra stop at the bank to deposit a check though, glad I found that. Shoulda put it in the other bank though. Forgot the recycling.

I should stop complaining and go fix supper. lol, nah, I think I'll cut out some pants for the baby. It's just rice. I'll work on the quilt in the frame tonight while Eddie is here to play with the baby.

just grumping

2010-11-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

We've been sick for weeks. Eddie and I haven't had insurance to go to the doctor so we've been muddling through. Today our insurance kicked in so I can see a PA tomorrow. Having 3 sick kids in the house has been wearing us down as well. I've done what I could to stay consistent with the kids and our PCIT. But Eddie keeps blowing it. I have had it with him doing this. Tomorrow the backlash will all be aimed at me and I can't take it. I just want to kick him in the nuts.

He's mad at me because I'm being the heavy in our guardianship of the baby. I make the decisions, I make the rules because if I don't then I'm the one who suffers. The pressure is all on me and I'm doing what I can to make sure that other people accept/pay for their part of the responsibility.

Okay here's the biggest beef I have: Eric wants to see his baby but Eric isn't stable enough to be alone with his baby which means someone has to supervise him. I told him what he has to do to be viewed as stable...has he done it? No, he gets his momma to whine to a judge about it. Plus, my mother in law just doesn't understand what Eric did wrong. What he's continuing to do wrong. I tell her, Ed tells her, the judge tells her and she just doesn't see it.

Here is all I'm asking him to do:

Stay away from Crystal
get his own baby safe place --alone, no mother, no crystal, no boozer buddies
get a car

can he do one of those things, no not really. He's admitted he loves Crystal more than anyone else in the world. Ummmmm, more than your child?
He claims he can't afford to rent a place but he was doing it in August and for a year before that, blowing money on booze and drugs for Crystal so um, yeah he can.
He claims he can't afford a car, bull. see the above mentioned expenditures.

Sooooooooo. Right now, I just want to go lay in God's lap and cry. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Most recently was when G-man was having trouble in 2nd grade. I didn't start feeling this bad when Tiger started having the same trouble.

I can't even rely on Eddie to help out. He's not on my side any more and the more he tries to counter act all that I have done the less I want to be around him.

I know of 2 women who have up and left their husbands in the last few years. I won't go that far but I'm not going to be "the good wifey" either. Don't like it, pack your shit and git.

ahhh haaaaaa

2010-10-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

I bought some new yarn yesterday and I was wondering what to do with it. I didn't want the same old same old stitches. I just found a pattern on yarnharlot.com which will work really well. Yay.

It feels good to be jazzed about something. I had been soooooo bored because I couldn't work out something to knit and my project was on hold because my circular needles were broken. But I replaced them yesterday and added 10 inches to the blanket I have been working on. Now I have a new pattern to work up which is going to be soo cool. Can't wait to get started. I need to eat, shower, and cut my hair too. wonder what I'll get done first?

I'm going to get back to writing

2010-09-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

When I write, I feel like my grammar and vocabulary of my spoken word improves. I need to feel an improvement after saying, "no, get down, you're going to fall, and give me the ______" all day.

Today I also feel like whining which I'm going to try to avoid doing though. Instead I am going to publish this post as a reintroduction.

I'm Debby. I'm too close to 40 and I recently took in a one year old nephew. Once again, I'm a stay at home mother, eh aunt....nah, mother cause my 2 school age children come home to me.

I also have a granddaughter. After the first month of my granddaughters life she was here with me a lot. Once or twice a week at the least. It was fun unless it interfered with my time with my own boys. They weren't at all happy to divide their time 3 ways. For 2 weeks this summer, they had me all to themselves again. I missed the baby, then little E came to stay for a few days which morphed into a few weeks and now has been almost 2 months. As far as the judge who placed him with us is concerned he'll be here another year.

This year has brought a lot of changes. My dad died, which isn't any different than when he was alive, but it brought out a lot of nastiness in my mother and I finally decided to avoid her completely.

I inherited a lot of money from my father this year. The money brought me a lot of joy but an even bigger headache. I bought a truck which needed way more of an investment than I could afford and I'm living without it right now.

Essentially you can say I'm depressed over the money I have wasted on this truck. Money I could have spent elsewhere and had a better time with it. I'm having a hard time deciding what to do with the truck now. Spend even more money on it or let go of the truck and memory of the money. My depression is affecting other parts of my life.

The number one problem I'm having with the depression is my digestive system. When I'm occupied with being depressed my stomach makes much more digestive acid than needed. This increases the speed of my digestive tract and creates massive numbers of trips to the bathroom. Usually my Tummy Trouble would only interfere in one or 2 days worth of activities a month, then it moved up to once a week and now....I'm lucky to have one good day every few weeks.

Officially, I have Crohn's disease. Outwardly, I'm not a typical Crohn's patient. I have 200 extra pounds of weight on my body. Because of this, I kinda want to embrace the tummy trouble. However, the pain associated with the disease/syndrome keeps me from burning off the additional calories stored in my body. I am losing weight, but it's not really a healthy weight loss and it's painful.

It's just crazy. I'm not thinking straight from depression, pain and lack of good nutrients so I am a bigger basket case than usual and I have a baby at home to care for. Totally nutso.

Well here's one more bit of info, I'm hot and sweaty sitting at this computer so I'm escaping the heat of my cyber world and I'm going to bed, after I make a bottle and put my baby to bed too.

Wish me luck.

Cabin Fever

2009-12-30T09:32:00.000-08:00

I've been stuck at home for almost a week now. I've been without my blackberry for the same length of time because we over spent and I couldn't pay the first bill I was responsible for.

I'm also having a creative block. I don't feel like sewing. When I knit I just tear out what I have done after a few hours. My thumb hurts too much to crochet. I'm out of thread I use to quilt. I haven't found the thread I want to quilt the bedspread with. I should put those on my list. Done...

I'm looking for a new baby afghan pattern to work up my new batches of yarn I got for Christmas but nothing catches my eye. I could work a ripple stitch with the 2 pinks and the varigated but.... well, I'm not finding the pattern I want to work.

I also need to listen to something other than Christmas music, kids shows, video games and the dogs yap. I don't have any books that interest me on the computer or my own mp3 player. Can't download any on dialup and don't have any credits to stream on on the blackberry. oh geesh, I'm just full of negativity today. I am counting down until Monday though. My grandbaby will be here then. I'm going to cancel my den meeting for Monday just so I can have the whole evening to sit at the hospital. I'm so excited for her to be here and for Kelli to be out of pain.

I'm going to go update my boys, calendar and family.

Jr.'s Wedding day

2009-09-19T23:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated this site for a long time. My lamentations about not seeing my son were resolved a year ago and I witnessed his marrying the angel that brought us back together on Saturday.

I've tried really hard to let go of the pain you can read here. I almost made it through the wedding without the pain of years past enveloping me. Almost
everyone had left when the words of the mother son dance got to me and
I had to leave the room sobbing so bad I needed my inhaler. You know,
I've busted my hump to put the pain behind me and to let it all go but
being with the Tripletts was too much and the pain came back and the
lyrics of "If Tomorrow Never Comes" just reminded me of so much I just
couldn't contain myself. I was happy and I was really letting go but
all those tears just came gushing out. The harder I tried to control
it the worse it got.

So anyway that was in the last 30 minutes.

Eddie went at 8 to prep for the wedding. I followed him with the boys
after 9 then went to get something to make the cake base look pretty
at 10. After shopping I split my pants and had to come home to fix
them. I was down to the wire getting ready for the wedding. It
seemed like they were waiting on me. Everyone was seated.

Sr. set in the front pew with his baby boy. His wife was in the
wedding as was his daughter and middle boy. I was behind him with
Eddie, my boys, Mother and Jeffy's Grandpa Jim. then the rest of the
Triplett's were behind us.

You know I didn't actually really sit in my place. I took pictures
during the ceremony instead. I paid attention to the ceremony though.
It was a beautiful ceremony.

the pictures afterward were great. Sr.'s niece used my camera to take shots so I could be in them. She did a fabulous job.

We ate and had the cake. I told Kelli to shove it up his nose and she
tried, he did the same. After most of the guests left we danced.
Kelli and Jeff together, then Eddie and I plus Kelli's parents joined
in. Then Shane cut in on us and I danced with him. Kelli and her dad
did a Father daughter dance and then Jeffy played a dance specifically
for just he and I. I lost it.

We packed it all in forgetting things we left in the fridges.

Last night Eddie and I were up until 2:30 working on the cake after he
laid out all the turkey, ham, cheeses, tomato slices, lettuce, olives
and pickles.

I may never make a fondant covered cake again. it was pretty but
cutting through it is hard. the cake was great though. It held it's
flavor and moisture really well. I think I'm through eating so much
cake though. I have a trial cake and the bottom layer of the other
cake left over.

We made the punch at the last minute before the reception. It was
cool to watch the kool-aid mix make the 7-up bubble so much. I
expected the sherbet to be the bubbling part not the Kool-aid.

I had a blast despite my break down.

I'm more embarrassed about it than anything. I'm thankful that I have an understanding husband and a great daughter-in-law to help Jr. understand how I could have been so happy and broke down like that.

Here's what it was in all honesty. "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks has this line

"If tomorrow never comes will she know how much I loved her? Did I try in every way to show her every day that she's my only one?" I change the words in context to my oldest son. Then the thoughts came in to my head no you couldn't show him every day because they pushed you out of his life and would have preferred that you never come back....plus they lied to him and said "if she really loved you she would be here" for this that or the other Then I couldn't control my tears.

But I was there.... I was ready to hold hands, clean up vomit, and cheer when they got married or anything else they needed within my power this past year.

here's the other thing... I would adopt Sr.'s wife and her kids in a heartbeat. I love her mom, I think her sister is cool and if they would let me ohhhh I would spoil them so much. I have some of that in the works already too.

here is where I lay the bad feelings to rest. Start Celebrating the fact that there's a huge family to enjoy and ONLY RUN FROM THE DANCE FLOOR FOR MY INHALER BECAUSE I'VE BOOGIED SO MUCH I CAN'T CATCH MY BREATH OR GET TO LAUGHING SO HARD I INHALED MY DRINK.

Grrrrrrrrrr

2008-10-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

I'm in a bad mood.

This medicine/antibiotic for the spider bite/ is messing with my blood pressure. I get upset and then I'm in trouble. It gives me headache some times and today I spent some extra time inhaling gasoline fumes and boom I have a migraine.

I have a wonderful husband though, he bought me some migraine medicine when he stopped to pick up supper. I forgot to ask and I was out of medicine for one.

I have something on my mind that I can't even get out today. I need to be sewing but I can't even focus on that. Tomorrow, I've got to get back to work on this quilt.

I keep getting distracted by Dirty Jobs. No wonder I can't complete a thought. Maybe I should give up tonight.

I haven't been on here in a while

2008-10-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

So many things have changed since I last posted.

I reconnected with Jeffy. He's got a wonderful girlfriend who brought us back together. Things are settling down around here.

I'm still always sleepy but that's okay.

I'm just so grossed out tonight

2007-09-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

My Aunt sent me this disgusting picture from some one's photoshop effors attached to an email about breast infections. I knew it was a fake right away. If anything attacked a person's breast there would be swelling and blood. I'm just so weirded out over this that I can't get it out of my mind. It's like seeing your grandma naked.

I hate things like that because they stick in my subconcious and twists into my dreams and stuff. I do this a lot with the shows I watched. I have a large enough imagination without seeing stupid stuff on line.

wanna see? http://www.snopes.com/photos/medical/breastrash.asp

I'm sick again

2007-09-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

I caught another bug while I was out I guess or the medicine I took last night did a real number on my tummy. I don't know.

I went to bed last night feeling terrible

2007-09-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

I awoke feeling worse. I had an altercation with G-man yesterday in the pool. So I've carried the frustration about him disobeying me/disrespecting me/wanting to make me miserable all evening.

I guess we need to get back to basics again. For now, I'm hungry.

missing feelings

2007-09-22T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm just feeling this big hole in my life this week. I can't put my finger on it. I know I'm lacking a lot of things and maybe the lack of funds is making me feel incomplete.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just missing people that are gone. But I'm really sad. I think I need a good cry.

The boys played with the new kids across the street today. Their accents were a little hard to understand but they were so cute. I pulled out a project just in time to realize, it's too hot to be out here. I cleaned up my stuff but couldn't breathe well enough to bring the bookcase back in the house.

Once I was breathing okay. I took the kids to the pool. It was fun but I felt like someone else should be there. Maybe 2 others or more.

Not doing well today

2007-09-11T11:36:00.000-07:00

I couldn't stay awake this morning and let the acid reflux mess with my tummy. I had the same issues with my "take with breakfast" medications. I didn't eat well

What's been going on since I've been sick

2007-09-05T09:53:00.001-07:00

Thursday, I still managed to watch big brother 8. Friday Mother watched Tiger while my sister and her live in drove me to the doctor. Once they left then we had a freak out here when the garage door didn't settle right and made some funky noises as it heated up in the sun. It sounded like some one was crashing around in the garage. man, I wouldn't have panicked like did if G-man hadn't heard it too. He was so great handled being in charge in my not so kid safe bedroom.

Saturday the boys understood that I just needed to keep my eyes closed and didn't give me much trouble. My sister watched them the rest of the day though in exchange for some time in the pool.

Sunday, we didn't make it to church. Being fully in charge without any input from me stressed Eddie out too much. I was way too sick to go. I just stayed in bed most of the day.

Monday Eddie cleaned and prepped for my sister's pool party here and his mom called. One of his cousins was killed Sunday night. Debbie's estranged husband knifed her at work then run off. Apparently she was raising her kids and a grandchild so those kids will have to move back to New York to her ailing parents care. Eddie looked it up on line and found a news article called his mom and then his Aunt called. Not the mom, but another aunt. (my mil has 9 siblings) He tells her where he found the article. I found 2 more on Tuesday. I couldn't find a thing about her brother though. In the process of one the conversation Eddie finds out that his other cousin, brother to the deceased has been missing for 2 years. How did that happen?

I realized when we were doing our relatives project a few months back I didn't get near enough information about all of those Aunts and Uncles. We need to get back to that.

What the doctor had to say

2007-08-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

Dr. Rahhal took some xrays and got the MRI report, He says the injury doesn't look like it needs repair, as in surgery. I'll have to go to physical therapy for the next month and I'm on an anti inflammatory as well. I go back in a month.

I heard some sad news today

2007-08-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

one of my beloved friends at church has been diagnosed with possible brain tumors. More than one.

She's also went through cancer removal and treatment last year and is really suffering under the possibility of additional cancer.

I'm so sad for her. I've only known her 4 years and when I met her she came into my life when I really needed a friend and now she's dealing with tumors again. I mean isn't it a foregone conclusion that if someone just had cancer they would look at the whole body to have all of it removed before they start the treatments that would make something worse?

I don't know. I don't have enough information about it. And well she's at least 70 so facing her life expectancy is hard for me too but to be so wrapped up in my own finacial problems that I didn't see something so dire going on in hers. I feel like such a dufus.

So there's my wake up call, Dont put off the things you want to do. Especially at the church!!! Quit saying I'll sing for them when my lungs get better because there's always a time when they are going to be worse.

Don't wait until next year to read your Bible again or even for the first time because there's no guarrantee that you will have next year. Start today!!!

For those of you whom aren't in my friends list and want to pray for her. Her name is Pat Moore and we need to pray that this will pass quickly leaving her alive and intact.

I've had it with MySpace

2007-08-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

I use the blog there to keep my friends and family informed. Those that aren't on my email list. Well it won't let me post anything, Not a blog, not a bulletin, not even respond to my email. Every time Tom says "We're working on something" well I can't do anything.

So today I was given a gift, a disgusting gift. Tiger found poop rocks in the toy boxes. I used to find them when I was still working on getting Tiger potty trained and it's possible that they are his from recent accidents but since there have been other kids in the house I don't know. I ran over a few with the vacuum and ew. I can't get the smell out of the vacuum. It's really bad because Tiger found the chalk and has crushed several pieces in the living room. Running the vacuum spreads the smell.

I'm ready for some more sleep. I had better fix lunch first.

My day so far

2007-08-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

Well lunch was pretty easy, I made burgers and they ate without having a shouting match. But T was doing some Karate moves in the bedroom and managed to kick G-man and Tiger in the head.

G-man was still upset about it and went in there and told T off. Then the shouting match really began.

Luckily they have settled down to color and draw at the table although it keeps me from watching the shows I taped Sunday. Too much sex talk.

My sister called and woke me up

2007-08-10T11:31:00.000-07:00

She called about coming in to babysit on Monday. She wanted to know what time. Now I've been giggling and that woke me up. I'm hungry.

oh man I tried to call my cousin then trouble broke loose here. My kids were trying to kill each other and G's kids were also at each other's throats. Then I split them up like my cousin and I used to do with our sisters and booom they were at the new partners throats too. The kitchen is a mess. The others are being quiet but T is really really upset about having to sit near the stinky area. The area where he left poop on my floor. He says he can still smell it. Their mother will be coming to pick them up early today.

I need

2007-08-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

I need to get the kids to go take naps cause T has Karate tonight.

I'm not making much sense today

2007-08-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

you should have heard me leaving voicemail messages for my sister and G. I was a mess.

Even Eddie said I wasn't making any sense this morning. I told T to go put his shoes on then stand by the back door. He had his shoes on, they all did, I didn't, and we were going out the front door.

What I needed to say was T needed to take his cup of milk and stand by the front door with it. I needed to lock the back door, which I forgot to do, and I needed to put my shoes on after I gave Tiger his cup of milk and grabbed the pop tarts.

Yikes

2007-08-03T11:41:00.000-07:00

T scared the crap out of me today. I was so upset about him bringing me the molly hook from the ceiling in Tiger's room today. I had to back off for fear of what I might say. I didn't go in there because I was so worried that he had pulled a chunk of my ceiling down.

To keep myself calm I tried to convince myself that he didn't put himself at risk by climbing on the loveseat in there, my mind kept trying to rationalize that he had been climbing on the safer alternative, the chest of drawers which is screwed to the bookshelf and wall. Nope!

He climbed on the high back of the loveseat and unscrewed the molly hook from the aparatus in the ceiling. I told him that I was really dissappointed in him. He lied to me, he's been lying to me about the poop in his pants and now he went did something dangerous. I told him that if he chose to disrespect a home that his parents owned, then his parents could deal with that but as of right now he would respect my home and the home his parents live in because he doesn't own either. I left him in there to finish picking up the toys because it's clean up time.

PCIT Parent directed time after Special Time

2007-06-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

Our next step which really works well with my 3 year old who's acting the same way and is not getting "special time" in the same way but is getting all the Praise, reflection, imitation, description and enthusiasm all day long now, is to give direct commands.

Always provide a consequence for obedience or disobedience. Following a consequence for disobeying, children shoule obey the original command (so don't clean up the mess while they are in time out) Otherwise they may choose time out to get out of following the command)
Pick up the yellow toy and once he's complied praise him with "thank you for minding me, I like it when you mind me" then give him the 2nd half of the instruction. "Take it to your room" or "give it to me"
If they don't comply then remind them, "Pick up the yellow toy or you'lll have to go to time out" you take them to time out in a grown up chair for 3 minutes and they have to be quiet for 5 seconds. yeah that means you may have to put them back a half a million times but you say stay here until I tell you to get up each time you put them back and walk away. And when the time is up you ask, Are you ready to pick up the yellow block? If they say no they stay in the chair until they are if the say yeah then repeat the instruction when you return to the scene of the instruction. If they don't comply again you start all over with time out.

Here's the key you only do this when you have the time and energy to use it.

To stop behavior immediately avoid saying "DON'T run" cause then they'll break out in a skip or gallop and tick you off. Use a direct instruction. Walk in the house and lower that last word vocally so they know you mean business the first time.

So you don't have time for time out and you still need the child to put on his shoes, give him a choice, put on your shoes or you don't get such and such while you're out. Avoid things that they won't get to have until much later because they will have forgotten and they will just have a meltdown when reminded of the fact.

I hope this is all clear.

Here's what my paper work says:

Make commands direct not indirect
Direct: Sit down right here
Indirect: Would you like to sit down?
Direct: Pick up your toys:
Indirect: Let's pick up your toys, Okay?

Give one command at a time instead of a string of commands
~Brush your teeth
~instead of brush your teeth, comb your hair, wash your face

State commands positively
~Child runs away from parent
~ Parent says "hold my hand" instead of don't run away from me
~Child on the kitchen counter
~Parent says "Get down Please" instead of don't climb on the counter

Make commands specific, not vague.
~Make your bed
~instead of clean your room
~use your indoor voice
~instead of act nice

Use a neutral tone of voice instead of yelling or pleading
~come sit next to me
~instead of...Sit here now!! or It would make mommy happy if you would sit here please?

Be polite and respectful while still being direct and clear
~Please hand me the crayon or Sit next to me please
Okay I don't use this one yet because they have been taught you can say no to requests

Give Choices at the childs developement level when either of 2 behaviors are appropriate
~Please put on your white socks or your blue socks
~use your indoor voice or play in the backyard
( you can fall back on this one when you don't have time for all the other stuff, only insert a good choice "put your socks on" or a bad choice " or you don't get to go outside" Most often, it's you're going to lose [your favorite things~~tv, activities, toys, freedom])

Limit the use of explanations, when you give one do it before the command or after the child has obeyed
~our playtime is over and we need to get ready to go to the store. Please, put your crayons away
**child asks why parent ignores because explanation has already been given
~instead of "put the crayons away"
**child asks why
Parent says because we need to get ready to go.
Child says after I finish
Parent says I said put the crayons away NOW!!

Wait until you have all the others master before you worry about these:
Save direct commands for things you are sure your child can do. To encourage new behaviors, use a suggestion instead of a direct command.
~Would you like to try to sign it?
** instead of write your name here
~maybe you can make a picture
**instead of draw a horse

Save direct commands for times when it's important for the child to obey
~ when the child is crossing the street tell them "take my hand"
**instead of chew your food exactly 30 times

Parent Child Interaction Therapy/Special Time

2007-06-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

This is from the handouts I got as I went through the steps.

special time:
We do this for 5 minutes a day and he just eats it up, but I cannot give commands, ask questions or make negative comments. The hardest part is lowering my voice at the end of statements so that the high word at the end doesn't sound like a question.

Here are the other things you need, take 2 toys that don't have any rules to use them, like playdough, drawing supplies, painting supplies, legos, lincoln logs, building blocks, train or car sets that you have to build, nothing that needs instructions or has rules. He can give you rules as long as they are fun and safe. Set them on a table in an empty room have him sit at the table and you tell him. "This is our special time, you can choose one of these two toys for us to play with. If you get up from the table, I can't play with you. If you get mean (meaning verbally or physically abusive) special time is over. (that's punishment enough for it too.)

*I just copied everything my son was doing, repeating every thing he said that wasn't annoying little noises.
*I described everything he was doing
*I Praised everything he did. I like the way you did... (just don't say "that" say exactly what he does.)
*I'm as entusiastic as possible.

You took a yellow block (describing), I'll take a yellow block too (imitation) you said you wanted me to have a blue block (reflection) I like the blue block you chose for me (labeled Praise) I'm happy we're playing together. (enthusiasm)

well my depression has caused some trouble here

2007-03-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

Although I didn't hole up in my room for the night as I usually do on Fridays. The kids are so anxiety filled today that they are busting out all over with tears and tempertantrums.

I have to re-evaluate my thoughts about the offender from yesterday. What rational person can really expect that they can just stop talking to a person and expect that person to be waiting for them to finally get over it? It's not mature and it explains a lot about those cousins and their relationships and commitments to other people.

I know I was once like this. I know that I just walked away from a lot of people by doing stuff like this. I mourned the loss of friendships because I chose to end it this way. That's what this is The END.

I will not be waiting for them to get over it. I will not trust them to treat me as if anything I write is wanted or accepted at face value. Clearly they judge everything I say and twist it to be percieved as me judging them. I'm not really taking it personally either. I just felt utterly disposable and I'm not. You don't treat someone you love this way.

The baby is really bad shape. I was prepared to cuddle him until he truly woke up but he proceeded to throw a painful tempertantrum on my lap. I had to put him down. So far he's maintained the mad so that he could throw his food and drink, hit me and push on my already sore arm. I've put him into time out until he calms. He's quiet so maybe there is hope.

I broke my agreements today.

2007-03-23T11:09:00.001-07:00

I let someone kick me in the heart. I didn't do anything wrong to deserve it. I offered things to think on, things to reflect back on and she got mad about it.

I don't know why I ever thought this would ever work out. It's hard to live a good life when there are so many people who are eager to kick you in the teeth when you show them how good their live could be.

That old voice in my head keeps saying, "see he was right, you should have walked away from them all when I told you to and you wouldn't be living in this pain right now." And for now I think I'm going to let myself feel he's right.

Why did I stand beside people who aren't willing to stand beside me 100% of the time? Why did I stand up for people who get so easily offended by me?

I could have had my boy in my life if it weren't for choosing you people over him. Following your examples instead of doing the right thing. I know I only have myself to blame for it too.

Now I'm letting God down as well for turning my back on the world. The part of the world that I was sent here to engage, protect and love.

I'm also crying hysterically and scaring my kids to death. They don't know how to comfort me anymore than I could comfort my own mother when she was like this. Thank you for pushing me over the edge today.

I'm so sorry

2006-09-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

I never wanted you to work during High School. I figured that your father and I would each have a job and you wouldn't need one to cover any of your expenses.

I really thought that when you entered school I would go to college and get my teaching degree. By the time you were in activities that needed money we would have it to give. At the very least I could support you with my income no matter where you lived.

So much for my plans. If I ever finish my law degree it will be a miracle. Meanwhile I'm working on a plan to at least cover your college expenses. I know that's only a few months away but I'm working on it.

I let myself get upset again

2006-09-18T15:22:00.000-07:00

So I thought I would post it.

I wrote my family on Friday cause I went into Jeffy's store to buy tea. I tried to do it before Jeffy would be at work but I didn't make it. I told G-man that Jeffy might be there and to try not to get upset if we didn't see him. So I bought my tea and left.

Well later on my mother wants to know what type of tea so she can "supply" me with it if another chain closer to her carries it and I won't have to go into Jeffy's store. I thought, Mother, I can go in there every other week and Sr. will just have to get over it. Honestly, I'm beginning to doubt that it's even being made anymore and once this store is out I'm just going to have to start ordering it online. Then she tells me that she goes into Jeffy's store all the time and that Jeffy sees her. So does my sister. They have normal conversations with him as if they were any other customers. They just didn't tell me cause they didn't want me having panic attacks about it or telling Sr. that Jeffy has been keeping secrets.

So what am I doing, getting mad. First, why would they keep this from me? I share openly and honestly about my kids and what information I learn about him. Why do they always have to keep secrets from me? And when I'm feeling the worst about myself and my relationship with Jeffy, why do they say these things? It's like they always say so sorry you didn't get to see, talk to or hug him but I got to do this that or the other and since I'm not you I got away with it. I get to see him every year, you don't ::nanny nanny boo boo:: What other motivation would they have?

Okay they could be lying. BiPolar patients tend to live beyond reality. I know I have many times. And when I'm sharing they find any plausible excuse to cut me to the core to make themselves feel better. This has happened all my life, why should now be any different?

I was just starting to trust them again and I find out that they are either keeping secrets or lying. This triggers my own problems. I'm so filled with BiPolar related ??? that what every this is I can't think of the name for it. When a person feels like everyone is out to get them or in my case they're out to make sure I look like the uncaring unfeeling baby abandoning person they thought I was in 1992. What is that term? I can't think straight

sooooooo I AM having a panic attack. No it's a RAGE attack and it's been going on since Friday. I thought it was just PMS, mixed with a migraine but this has been going on since that email from my mother.

I ripped into Eddie on Saturday cause he didn't follow the schedule. Most of the time I can go with the flow but I've been off schedule since Friday and I'm scrambling to get back on it so I can regain control. It's been awful. I've been saying terrible stuff to him and the boys. Things that I don't mean the way they are coming out and when I feel remorse for it even that feels insincere. I honestly muttered the phrase that I felt like killing myself. This has pushed me that close to the edge.

So I'm fighting to reel myself in again. Putting this here helps. I still don't know the truth. In my heart I think that Jeffy wants to know me but he's too scared of offending his father and those others in his family. I don't know what to do to bring him out of that. I don't think I can do it. I'm just so Paranoid (there's the phrase I was looking for) that he's been lied to and I won't ever get to defend myself.

I love him so much and I had hoped that this would all be different. I don't have anyone to share this with.

I should have never signed those papers.

Dial up discrimination

2006-09-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

Last year when I moved to Tulsa, SBC offered me 6 months free DSL. I was already a dsl customer but I was moving into a new "market" so I said sure, I was only going to be in the house for 6 months anyway and it was more expensive than what we had been paying so the savings was going to be helpfull. In the midst of learning that Ed's Ex Jonna had stopped paying on her part of the back taxes again, or she stopped filing income tax altogether, looking for a house to buy at the end of my 6 month lease and increasing G-man's weekly appointments for speech therapy. I didn't notice that SBC didn't bill me for the dsl service they only added back in the credit which in essence paid my "phone bill" for the month. By the time I noticed the problem they wanted $500 for services rendered.

After we bought the house we were forced to find telephone service from a competetor because we couldn't pay the other bill. Leaving me with dial up.

So I signed up for Gold Rush this week and my dial up can't upload the videos or flash player thingy-ma-bobs for me to participate. I also signed up for the message boards for my favorite soap operas. As it stands today, won't let me do anything but read and I can only see a rock wall at Gold Rush. ::Whine::

So I checked out getting a job last week. To be able to afford Cable internet or pay off my DSL bill I need to earn $15.00 an hour. After a car payment, insurance to cover the new car, daycare, after school care, insurance for at least the boys, and taxes I would have just enough to cover the cost of basic internet services. Phew, I guess I'll just have to deal with dial up.

The Poor Staff at AVE

2006-09-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

G-man was a terror the first two weeks of school. He hit, kicked and spit just about everyone he could. He disrupted everything he could and I was believing he was going to need to be restrained like Hannibal Lector. I took him out of school on Thursday to see someone but he didn't make it in time so we saw them on Friday then got into see a doctor about medication on Tuesday, not warranted at this time and we put a plan together to have him more supported on Wednesday. He seems to be doing better.

Okay yesterday he actually got on the bus that commutes to his old school instead of staying at the elementary school. That was both scary and an "awe" inducing moment. He probably felt that Kindergarten was too hard so he would go back to the 4 year old program where he was more supported. I don't know cause once he had been back at his new school he hit a little girl.

I love that kid but if the next 12.75 years are like the last 1.25 I'm going to need some really strong medications. He's so smart that I knew he needed the advanced efforts of a school like this but he doesn't seem to be mature enough to handle his own intelligence. I hope things get better soon.

I think I'm going to have a really rough day

2006-08-16T07:14:00.000-07:00

I had a tough night last night. My lower abdomen feels like it did when I had the Ectopic pregnancy. I know that's not possible so it has to be something else, gas maybe? I could really use more sleep but the tree trimmers are out in full force. They are soooooo noisy.

I realized I have only 6 months to lose the weight I set as a goal. PFFT another one bites the dust.

Well the boys are on schedule already. Fight number one has started. Teletubbies are on and that tends to tick one of them off. I should take them to G-man's room and crash.

I discovered how much I'm going to have to pay for a new washer and dryer a month. That will be sooo cool to be able to dry my clothes. I can't believe I've lived a year without drying my clothes in a drier. Well we've taken them to the laundromat occassionally but that was just a stupid waste of money.

I have some sewing to do so I guess I need to take out my mat and cutter and clean up the mess I have already made first, then square up the curtain fabric. Eddie's boss has needed some made for a while. This should be fun.

Memoriam for Jane Foster.

2006-08-11T14:56:00.000-07:00

The best testiment to how a man should love a woman.

Dear Church Family,

I received some news this morning I wanted to share with you. My mom passed away this morning. For those of you who don’t know, my parents are missionaries in Korea. At the end of this note I will attach an email I sent out to some pastor friends of mine.
I most likely will be headed to South Korea today or tomorrow if I can find a flight. Things are a little strange with the terrorist threats. If I do leave, we will have a guest speaker this Sunday. I want to extend a special invitation to all our visitors that have been coming. You are such a blessing to our church. I hope you can attend on Sunday. Please remember my dad, Ike Foster in prayer. We love you and I’ll see you when I get back. Here’s the email.

I received a call this morning letting me know that my mom had died. She was battling Alzheimer’s. My mom and dad (Ike and Jane Foster) had been married for 59 years. They have been on the mission field for 58 years.

Dad took care of Mom during these difficult years while still doing the missions work. He would get up at 3:30 in the morning and make her breakfast. Then he would get mom up and bath her and dress her. He would feed her breakfast which would sometimes take an hour while he lovingly talked to her. He would then get himself ready just in time to catch a bus or subway, on Sunday morning, to get to church on time, with mom right by his side. Sometimes they wouldn’t get home till 9:00 at night. I would lecture dad, “You need to get some help”. “You need to have someone come in and relieve you of some of your duties.” He would sternly say, while pointing at me, “Son this is the wife of my youth. When I married her I said for better or worse. I meant it so I’ll take care of her!”

I often wondered why the Lord would allow my mom to get Alzheimer’s. After all, they gave literally everything they had for the cause of Christ. Japan and Korea were wore torn desolate countries when they went there all by themselves. Missionaries were rare and there were no other independent Baptist missionaries there. They lived on pennies and soup while building with used lumber and nails from building they would dismantle. They missed their grandchildren growing up as well as many milestones in the lives of loved ones they were separated with. Surely God wouldn’t let this happen to my mom. I was settled in my heart with this, though. I prayed, whatever will give her the best resurrection. Now I see. What a testimony this is to all the pastors and Christians in Korea of how a husband should care for a wife in adverse situations; not only them, but us, too. He trained an army of Korean pastors, deacons, and Christians, that are flooding the orient with the gospel, but what better training can there be then teaching them, through example, how to take care of the “wife of their youth”.

I will be flying to Korea the minute I can get airline tickets. Pray for Ike Foster.

Serving Together for Him,

Paul Foster

I am loved like that. Not many women get that lucky. I never got to meet Jane but she raise an awesome son and Paul's an awesome preacher.

Paul told us a few weeks ago that his father and mother had a really weird courtship. Ike had been asking around trying to find a bride to follow him into the mission feild. Paul quotes his father saying "I'm going to be a missionary in Japan. If I marry you will you come with me?" Jane said yes. They were married a few weeks later and off they went. Can you imagine a marriage like that today? Then they tried for years to have a child but they never did. Being in Japan they decided to adopt a child from the area however something called them to move to Korea. They waited and once they were settled they adopted a baby girl from the local orphanage. Originally they walked through the "nursery" and didn't find a baby that "spoke" to their heart. When they asked about other babies, Paul's sister was pulled from a box kept under her crib to keep her safe and out of the leak above her crib. I don't remember her name but her husband is a minister in Broken Arrow. A few years later they wanted her to have a sibling and they found Paul. He was 6 months old then. Paul sets an awesome example for us all coming from that much love and devotion to the Lord and family.

Whenever some one sings "I want to be loved like that" I know they were seeing a couple like Ike and Jane Foster.

John

2006-08-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

John is talking to God one day saying he's seen something disturbing through the clouds. God listens intently and says, "It will be okay, John." They are my children and I will protect them." John doesn't question because he knows that God loves those John loves and God will protect them because God keeps his word. John can't help but seek out others that might be able to help. John afterall was a human and though he walked only a short time on the earth he left behind a big family. John was troubled because his son, Ron, was in the jungles of Vietnam a far cry from the dusty fields of hay he played in back in Oklahoma. While John's son was half a world a way John's granddaughter had been born. John knew that his son and daughter in law were not equipped with enough faith to have a child. He asked God for a mighty protector for the baby. God, giving John a pat on the shoulder, said "there is a plan in place for that child." Those words reassured John.

Mary wanted to be a good mother but something just wasn't right in her heart. Overwhelmed with being alone to care for a child she gave into the darkness of hate. She hated the war, she hated herself, she hated her husband and she hated the need represented in the small child in the bed beside her. As hate took over Mary raised a hammer in her hands and attempted to use it to end the small life beside her. The initial blow had been light, intended to kill without splitting the skin. A small dent appeared in her head and the baby girl cried very hard but the tiny spirit was still there. The next moment brought more determination from Mary. Her anxst was fueled by the cries, mixing with her own dark thoughts. Mary's next blow was aimed at the tiny heaving chest. She pulled the hammer through the air and it caught on something above her head. She pulled and pulled but the hammer was frozen in place. In the few seconds when the hammer fell from it's frozen spot, the baby achieved a milestone. She rolled over and out of her mother's reach, out of the hammer's reach.

At the very same time in Vietnam, Ron, was tormenting his superiors. The squad had found 4 abandonded children in a hut that day. One little girl was as old as the daughter he had back home. He convinced the officers to search the children and then find a way to give them shelter. A jeep with Ron driving and four other men holding a child each dissappeared into the jungle. Remarkably the enemy either didn't see or chose to ignore that jeep and the children were all left at a MASH unit in the rear. As they settled down for bed Ron played a tape from home. His daughter's cries intensified on the tape like they had never done before. Ron had been praying for her, for the kids he saved that day, for himself and for the spirit of the father Ron had barely known. Ron heard his father's whispering voice saying, "They will all be as safe as I am" a phrase his father often said as he left for work on the pipeline. Somehow Ron knew this night, this phrase, was not just another memory and it did not come from the tape. Apologizing to his squad leader, Ron shut off the tape recorder of the crying child, got down on his knees with a buddy who had been attending OBU before the draft and accepted Jesus as his Savior that night. In his heart he knew he had 2 miracles in his life from that night on, his daughter had been spared and his father had spoken to him.

having a small family sucks

2006-08-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

I ticked Penny off. She postponed her wedding and I was telling her about the great weekend I've had because Eddie still took the extra day off and she snapped at me. Then she told me I was mean.

I told her that I didn't want to upset her by mentioning the defunct wedding nor the defunct plans to leave him this weekend. But I had a wonderful time having my husband home all day yesterday and then our usual weekend. That wouldn't have happened if she hadn't planned the wedding.

She says that she and Keith are fine, but gosh could she be jealous?

Son, Make an informed decision.

2006-08-04T15:24:00.000-07:00

When you think about me and wonder why I was absent since 1993 ask, why? I'll show you the lawsuit paper work or you can look it up for yourself at the court house. I didn't back off willingly. I was pushed away. On purpose, by design, because I had more love and passion for having a great life with you in it than they could bear to see. Because I wasn't going to always be the white trash that they expected me to be.

We're not the exes. We're related by blood, we have a hard working heritage that also was tinged by heartbreak and yes, mental illness. As it stands, I'm not clinically BiPolar. The professionals I see say, I have every right to be upset about this, to feel failure as well as pain. But I should never fear your father again. It's taken 15 years for me to feel like I could overcome his abuses. But you know what? I'm more than what labels he wants to put on me. I have a husband like no other on earth. With him I have 2 boys that are so like you but also more like their father everyday. Honestly I would have loved to have more children that could have been your peers. Just because I have babies doesn't mean I love you any less.

I'll be here when you are ready. If your dad, grandmother or anyone else doesn't like it, then tough on them. You deserve a whole family. Mother and Father and all the siblings.

Oh Grandma

2006-07-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

I sure do miss you. I can't believe it's been a year. A year since I chickened out and called Jennifer. A year of wishing that I had been more of strong person. Like you, I've always wanted to be like you. Strong and skilled. I just can't voice the pain I feel about letting you down. I've been kicking myself because I can't make up for the ways I have let you down. I love you, oh how I miss you and I'm sorry you had to go the way you did.

Garden goodies

2006-07-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

I spent the day putting up tomatoes. I'm not adventurous to try to can them so I'm freezing them. The birds were vicious until we put out stakes with cd's swinging from them. Wish the birds were more interested in the Okra. We have tons. I have a "cake taker" sized bowl full of sliced okra in the fridge right now. Eddie brought in 2 eggplants a few weeks ago and 2 small acorn squash the week before last. He brought in 3 nice sized spaghetti squash last week and 4 cantaloupes today. I discovered that I can freeze all that stuff. We need a freezer now. Meanwhile, I only buy enough meat for 2 weeks and the extra stuff helps the freezer stay cooler and the whole unit work more efficiently. Eddie is so pleased with his "Grandpa" sized garden that he'd be out there now if it weren't so stinking hot. Next year we're going for corn too.

I'm ready for school to start

2006-07-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

No not really cause I haven't bought school supplies and stuff but G-man is ready to go. I seriously doubt we're going to get through the year without ADD/ADHD medication because his activity level gets on my last nerve. However my prayers that he can focus in school are constantly going.

Geesh I'm weepy today. I'm tearing up cause Norm Abrams is on a PBS kids show. That's so sweet, that he came to work with the kids. OH man, I need less hormones today.

Yesterday was tough on me. I screwed up in 2004 and didn't pay off one of my bank loans. They've been trying for 2 years to get info on me and what money I had then and have now. Finally they tracked me down but they also followed through on a Contempt of court citation for not giving them financial info in 2004 and for not following the court order about not selling things unless they get paid from it. When I went to court I just knew I would be arrested. I was so scared and of course Eddie and the boys had to come cause we didn't have the money to take them to the drop in daycare. I didn't want the boys to see me taken away. The lawyer was okay about dropping the citation since I showed Once I made payment arrangements, and she got a look at my property she was satisfied. I got to go home. Eddie and I both had emotional hang overs afterward though.

what is drama

2006-07-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

I was accused of creating drama yesterday when I stood up for myself in an email to my family. I broke my agreements and took my mother's yelling and conclusions personally. I couldn't help it. I get tired of being misrepresented by the woman who's lies destroyed more than one marriage and have made my life hell for years.
When I've been given ulitmatums to give her up or face consequences like not seeing Jr. ever again, I've obviously made the wrong choice. Why? Why should I have such loyalty to her abusive and cloying manners? Could it be an addiction to drama?

Most likely it was a lack of control. I wasn't feeling well, my own aches and pains were bothering me as well as my own bipolar. So I bristled at her comments. Okay honestly her comments that I was too mentally ill for her to be around have been bothering me from the time I heard them. Where does she get off acusing me of being so ill that I'm a menace to her? Excuse me, but I'm a product of her mistakes and the only menace to her is the guilt she should feel when she takes an inventory of her abusiveness toward me and my sister.

She tells me stuff like I tried to bash your head in cause you wouldn't stop crying, and I needed a break so I left you in the back of your father's truck all day so he could take care of you. It all makes me wonder why I've been so loyal since her rejection of me has obviously been going on since I was concieved.

Obviously I'm lucky that her attempts on my life didn't leave me permanently disabled, but I'm still emotionally scarred.

I'm almost always willing to rescue her until her decisions put me or my boys in jeopardy. She doesn't like that. After all she's been used to being #1 in my life but now that she isn't she can't take the pressure of being on her own and she creates drama?

I don't like that term, drama. It's real life not some made up soap opera where people are cast and recast, brought back from the dead or created to be clones.

In an attempt to resume my agreements I want to be sure to get somethings off my chest.

T needs to get off her high horse. Her life is drama, after all 2 incomes can't support her family and she wants her mother to contribute to the coffers. Pullleeeeezeeee. You're children and husband are the stress in your life so don't you dare blame your high pressure career. You chose to work in that environment, I didn't ask to have a loony for a mother. (okay I'll give you props for listening to a woman being blugeoned to death, but I'd give you more props if you were the officer, or lawyer that got that man put away for the rest of his life, did you even testify or did you let the tapes speak on the victim's behalf?)

I know travesties occur on a daily basis. We are living in a Godless society. Okay that's not right cause so many people worship their own personal gods; money, alcobol, chemical dependency, sex, etc... However, there's no unifying deity anymore. Heck there's no unifying anything around here.

Proud to be an American until you have to pay taxes or vote.
Proud to support our local schools until the option for a private school becomes available?
Proud of our home until we learn that one of our children is considered a lower class citizen based on income.

I don't know why I even bother.

IN MEMORIAM of Benjamin Hendrickson

2006-07-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

Benajmin Hendrickson Dead at Age 55
Posted Wednesday, July 05, 2006 5:29:01 PM

In what will surely come as deeply upsetting news to soap fans, Procter & Gamble Productions and CBS have confirmed that Emmy winning actor Benjamin Hendrickson (Hal Munson) passed away suddenly over the weekend. Hendrickson was 55. According to a report in the New York Post, the actor died of a single, self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

A 21-year veteran of As the World Turns, Hendrickson picked up a Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in 2003. In addition to his work on As the World Turns, Hendrickson also appeared on three other P&G soaps: Another World, Guiding Light and Texas. Hendrickson did not confine his remarkable talent to a single medium. In addition to his work on the show, Hendrickson appeared on Broadway in the 1984 revival of Awake and Sing, Strider and in the title role of The Elephant Man. His feature film credits include Spanking the Monkey, Regarding Henry, Consenting Adults and Manhunter. Prior to joining As The World Turns, Hendrickson appeared on Procter & Gamble Productions' Another World, Guiding Light and Texas.

"As The World Turns, Procter & Gamble Productions and the entire daytime community have lost a dear friend and a talented actor who brought to life the character of Hal Munson," says As The World Turns Executive Producer Christopher Goutman. "Benjamin always joked that he was hired for one day, then before he knew it he'd impregnated the leading lady and had to sign a contract. He intended to stay with the show for one year. How lucky for us and the fans that we had him for 21 years. We will continue to mourn his passing."

"Everyone at CBS Daytime is devastated by the loss of our friend and colleague Benjamin Hendrickson," says Barbara Bloom, Senior Vice President, Daytime Programs, CBS. "Benjamin's 21 year portrayal of Hal Munson is testimony to a gifted actor whose talent and loyalty will always be remembered by his fans and co-workers, as well as a very appreciative network. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family, his fellow cast members, the producers and everyone at As The World Turns during this difficult time."

Hendrickson attended the Juilliard School where he was a member of the first class of the drama division and a founding member of The Acting Company, under the late John Houseman.

In 2003, Hendrickson took time off from As the World Turns during what was a very difficult time in his life. His time away allowed him to care for his ailing mother and later mourn his death. In his Emmy acceptance speech that year, Hendrickson thanked his late mother for helping him accomplish his dream of going to Juilliard.

"To my mother who scrimped and saved to send me to Julliard to study the classics... I'm sorry," Hendrickson mused of his success in soaps as he held his Emmy above his head.

Born on August 26, 1950 in Huntington, New York, Hendrickson was an avid golfer and spent much of his down time on the green with his As The World Turns co-stars. His last air date as Hal Munson will be July 12, 2006.

A show spokesperson says that there are no plans to recast Hal at this time

http://www.soapcentral.com/atwt/news/2006/0703-hendrickson.php

I suspected he was ill until I read this article. He took a few personal leaves of absence where he would come back so thin and so weary looking. One absence was to care for his dying mother, but I always thought that he might have cancer from the way he looked when he returned each time. When Randolph Mantooth would step in for him I wouls be afraid he wouldn't return. Now I know he won't after next Wednesday.

The soap he worked on just turned 50 this year. As The World Turns is my all time favorite but it has been depressing be lately. There were/are rumors that my favorite actress, Martha Byrne (Lily/Rose) might not come back after her maternity leave, her character is currently in a coma. The writers just killed off Benjamin's character (Hal's) daughter (Jennifer Munson Donovan). The show is really dwindling down to nothing now with the absence of 3 lead characters.

I just cried when I read about Hal. I know I shouldn't define him by this role but the character was so wonderful and had been put through so much hell that I looked up to his grit. I respected the actor for his talent and ability to recover from whatever was affecting him and pulling him away from this devoted fan's attention.

Having watched my mother try to kill herself so many times, I kinda feel numb to the method he chose. I should feel angry. Instead I pray that he finds the peace in Heaven that he never felt on earth. If the prayer of one believer can send someone to Heaven then let it be my prayer that I get to meet him up there some day.

I too sleep to do this

2006-07-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

so if I don't make sense that's my reason.

Yesterday was heaven and hell altogether. Since the boys were up so late Tuesday and so were we; we all slept late Wednesday morning. Tiger was first to arise and find that Eddie had done the chores without him. G-man arose just in time for Eddie to leave. The two really need their daddy time in the morning. In an attempt to share something magical with them I put in the recording of the Capitol 4th celebration. Elmo was on there but Tiger wanted to be alone and left the room. G-man did watch and when I replayed it later that day he was able to sing along.

I developed a migraine yesterday. Dealing with the boys as it built was awful. Tiger wouldn't nap and every noise G-man made was amplified. I went to bed after supper.

Once the boys were in bed Eddie and I hashed over Rockstar: Supernova. He doesn't know much about the musicians so we looked them up then retired to our room to watch the Boston Pops and the fireworks in Boston that I had also recorded. My headache eased for a time then rebounded. The short time of relaxation was really nice. We really connected better than we have in a long time.

My sleep was filled with pain. My dreams were filled with frustration, I was being held against my will by a crazed ex. He injured a Special Agent when he arrived to help. I finally got away and back to my boys. My family helped me retrieve the belongings that my captor said I "won in my divorce" which was a farce.

I couldn't identify my captor as a real person in my life. I think he was a mix of a certain personality and the guy that played "Dusty" in Twister. Mix that with watching NCIS and you can guess who the SA was and why I could go back after my "dowery".

I think I should go nap while the boys watch a movie.

it's been 4 weeks or so

2006-06-29T03:39:00.000-07:00

since my last midnight panic attack. That sounds good. Honeslty a panic attack didn't wake me up. I awoke to a strange noise. Then my tummy started bothering me and in an attempt to eliminate the GERD I started thinking and the panic attack happened. I was thinking about Jeffy. I don't remember dreaming about him but I was thinking about his final year in school, then college. I was praying that he actually went to college and schemeing about how I was going to help when it hit.

My biggest trigger is money. The lack of it to be precise. I thought about how I was going to start putting money away for each of the boys and still put food on the table. I know I should cut back on a few easy meals and just put in the effort to cook the unprocessed chicken and turkey but I don't wanna. The garden will help.

OHhhh I need to look up how to store the potatoes. Some of the purple potatoes are already drying up and looking wrinkled. The yellow ones look good so maybe I should separate the 2 kinds.

After drinking some milk I feel better as far as my tummy goes but I'm still in panic pain. I should take something for that and go back to bed.

Bye Jeff, the neighbor just fired up his Harley and left for work. I wonder if that is why Tiger awakens at this time some mornings? Probably, although we wouldn't hear him in our windowless bedroom.

hmmm, going back to bed now.

Our Anniversary

2006-06-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

Didn't go as planned. I couldn't find the present Eddie requested despite hauling the boys in and out of nearly every business in Sand Springs. I did get all the Father's day presents. Bungie cords, clippers and a tool belt. I sent him on a treasure hunt for them. I ended up going out buy my own presents, too.

That morning I went out and rented a pump to empty the pool. Rented some dvd's and well came home to a normal goof off day. We watched the video's and fought with the boys. Tiger was in a good mood, GW was in a bad one. We checked on the pool off and on but it only emptied about half of what we needed it to. darn

So much for Anniversary #8. Next year I will plan better.

Oh ho hum

2006-06-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

I got the Monday blues.

I have spareribs in the oven. It's Eddie's day to cook but he was outside when they needed rubbing resting and then placing in the oven. I knew that I would have to attend the ribs while he was out taking Gerald to group. Eddie didn't get much done outside except let the boys play in the sprinklers.

Shane is actually taking a nap. He hasn't actually taken a nap since Friday. I had hoped that he would actually sleep since he didn't sleep well last night. oops he's awake.

Any way there's nothing on TV and I'm bored with my book. Shane's mad at me and I just dont' have anything to do now.

la, la, la, la, ....... I wish I had taken a nap

That man of mine

2006-06-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

He decided to pick a fight yesterday evening with a black woman in the parking lot at Albertsons. He was justified to a point, she hit G-man with her car. She had one of those long nosed cars that takes up half the sidewalk when her tires hit the curb. G-man was walking past her spot when she let her car slide all the way into her spot. Her car touched him and it spooked him but he wasn't hurt. He was lucky cause he could have been caught between her car and the shopping carts lining the wall. I was pissed but for the sake of my boys I kept my thoughts to myself. I did tell Eddie she did it on purpose as I checked G-man’s leg for bumps, bruises or scrapes. Once the boys were completely strapped in but Eddie wasn’t completely in the car he called her a very nasty name. I was shocked that he would use that language in front of the boys. Then I told him to just start the truck and pull out. She couldn’t retort to him she had to address her insult at my weight. Okay I didn’t hold my tongue after that but I also kept it clean telling her that there was enough cellulite hanging out of her clothes that she was well on her way to being my size herself. She couldn’t think of anything more than repeating her original phrase. Eddie slowly pulled out of our spot and kept calling her names and telling her she was lucky G-man wasn’t hurt. While I was telling him to drive away and pushing on his shoulder to get him to comply.

Once we had finally left the parking lot I told him off. I was upset that she touched G-man with the car but it was Eddie’s fault. That snapped him out of the name calling and cussing streak he was on. So I gave him the rules of engagement as I learned them.
He should have started the truck pulled out then called her a name and pulled away so he wouldn’t have to hear her reply.
He should have done this with speed and agility while avoiding contact with her and her car.

Okay I know he should have never done it and I shouldn’t have corrected him the way I did but G-man should have never been running ahead of us like he was. Eddie’s job is to be the buffer between traffic or harm and the kids. I had the groceries and I was like 5 steps behind Eddie.

The other thing I thought of was that we should have waited to see her leaving the babies she had in her car alone then called the cops. I knew that was what she was doing until Eddie called her a name. When he did that her instinct was to come back to my side of the truck and try to attack me physically. Leaving her vulnerable to being hit by the truck as we backed out. Geesh where were their brains?

I just kept telling Eddie the things he should have done. I’m a pro at those things after having 2 other husbands with the same diarrhea of the mouth that Eddie developed yesterday.

Fast Search

2006-06-11T06:36:00.000-07:00

Eddie and I sat a the kitchen table trying to decide what bills to pay and which ones to skip so we could feed the boys this pay period. Eddie said that we had to pay the electric and when mother arrived we would drive out there. Mother arrived and was very surly for having to babysit for free again. I was crying cause she didn't care to be with the boys unless getting paid for it. Eddie said that she had agreed to do this months before money got so tight and he was holding her to the bargain and we left.

I felt bad leaving the boys but I needed the break. I wasn't eating or sleeping. My IBS was worse and so was the pains that eminated from everywhere. The diet had done wonders for my weight and Eddie's but nothing for my thought patterns. As we drove the 45 miles to the electric compnay office I continued to cry. Eddie was concentrating on the road, listening to a book on tape in the cassette deck. He glances at me every once in a while, laid his hand on my shoulder once. It was so nice to be consoled when he thinks of it. There was a time that I would make this drive twice a day. I loved the view of the lake's halves. I hated driving over the bridge but I loved the hills that formed a natural basin. I felt the tightness in my chest lessen a little bit.

We drove past the old electric company office. It was fire damaged shell with the wreckage of exploded vehicles in the fenced in security area. A sign says that the new management has moved to a location in town. I thought that location address was familiar to me but I hadn't lived in Cleveland in 10 years and with my memory fading like my weight I couldn't be sure. We arrived in the small town to see a lot of changes. The address was exactly where I thought it was. Inside the former library was the new electric company. We went into a reception area packed with people waiting their turn to make payments and payment arrangements while office doors with windows remained closed and empty of clients. Employees kept their heads down while talking on phones are concentrating on their computer screens. I sat to wait as Eddie spoke to the receptionist. He stood at the desk as she left it to consult with someone in the inner sanctum. I needed to go, again. I wandered the halls looking for a bathroom. I came across bedrooms and living areas in the office. I thought times must be hard every where when employees or owners lived where they worked. Eddie was finished making the payment when I returned. We had been in the office for 45 minutes most of that time I was suffering in the bathroom. Stepping out the door and walking past the other cars we found out truck sitting on the ground. The wheels were missing. I was dumfounded. The tires weren't new when we bought the truck 3 years ago. The wheels weren't worth anything but they were missing. We didn't even have the money to replace them or the carseats that were stolen in the last two weeks. The theives hadn't stolen our extra tool box and jack yet but they were worthless in a truck without tires. I thought about calling mother to come get us but she couldn't just strap the boys in her car and we didn't have new car seats yet. I noticed a compressed air hose stretched from the garage next door and point it out to Eddie. He follows it to the door and through the window he sees our tires. They are unmistakable cause Shane had written on them in paint pen the previous day. On a shelf is my tool box which had also been "tagged" by the kids on a seperate occasion with the paint pen. Lying on the floor is my jack and jack case.

Eddie said to call the police as he pounds on every door on the building. I do and get a recording saying that the officers are on a call. I use the 911 service on my next call and I hear a voice echoing through the ally and my phone. Eddie is talking to the same people I am in a room at the back of the electric company. He uses another door in that room to gain entrance to the garage, lifts the door and hands me the lesser two of the four carseats we had for the boys. He also hands me a bill for the last truck repair. The check Eddie had wrote for that repair had bounced been forwarded to the Tulsa County District Attorney and been paid leaving us in financial straits. Settling the debt hadn't satisfied someone. I reinstalled the seats took a picture with my camera phone, stuck it in my breast pocket and went back for tires. After I snapped more pictures in the garage I realized Eddie was missing. I searched the grounds and a van peeled out of the back parking lot. I shook locked doors in a panic. I pulled out my phone and dialed a number I knew from heart.

Don answered me quickly, recognizing my caller id he simply said the yard wasn't in need of anymore work until next weekend. I told him I had a bigger problem. Explaining what had happened he said he would send a car for me and 2 more to investigate. Ten minutes later 2 unmarked FBI cars and a hypo pulled into the lot. They led me back into the now nearly deserted offices and started asking questons. A man I thought I had seen before today insisted that we all leave. "After business hours this is private property" The agents weren't going to give in. The Highway Patrol officer pulled me away. We sped down the roads back to my home. I entered the house and discovered my mother tied in her chair crying. Some one had unlocked the door entered taken the boys and left her there with the a/c off. The thermostat read 90 in the house as I turned it back on. More FBI were called and they questioned mother at the house and then escorted her home. Crime scene investigators from the sherrif's office combed the place then packed up, I was left alone in an empty house to canvase the neighorhood. I couldn't leave. I had no money Eddie had carried the last bit of his paycheck in his wallet. The money we had saved for food. I pulled a bowl out of the cabinet and walked out the back door to pick vegetables from the garden. After pulling up a few immature root crops I had enogh to fill my bowl. My allotment of food for the day. Mixing them with water and ketchup from a fast food packet I set them in the microwave to "boil" wishing I could use the stove instead but no natural gas payment equaled no stove.

Another Agent came to my door. They weren't going to leave me alone in the house. Don had called the cleaners to come over fearing I would get ill from the dust and depression. Special Agent Todd took me to Walgreen's to meet my babysitter. Her name was Callie and she and her partner would take me to another location. Her partner had his back to me but I recognized Jeffy's dad immediately. I bristled. He couldn't be an agent. Well he could be but NOOOOOOOO. Callie introduced me to my ex as I nervously giggled. Didn't the FBI know everything about me? Wait, lost in my thoughts I heard boyfriend. Callie as if reading my mind said yes you'll be staying with me and my boyfriend. I was so relieved I hugged her and him. Jeff was taken aback. I collapsed in his arms melting into a puddle of grief. They scooted me outside and into a car down the main road of our hometown to a hotel recently built leading me to a room that overlooked the neighborhood in which I grew up. I could see the school, the two churches and Grandma and Grandpa's house. I cried more leaning my head against the window.

Days went by, Callie and Kate took turns sitting with me giving me updates as to what the officers in my house noticed. They asked for information and memories. Jeff brought Jeffy to see me. Late one night while Kate was out getting some ice Jeff entered the room drunk. Callie had broken up with him that day. He thought I had told her something about his past with me. Something that might contridict his memory of events. I couldn't recall anything about him. Kate listened in the other part of the room as we talked and fought half the night. When exhaustion won it's eternal battle inside Jeff's head he fell asleep at the table. I had gone to bed and was dreaming about Eddie touching me, holding me but I awoke to Jeff man handling me out of my lower clothes. He told me not to worry he wouldn't hurt me bad enoung to need more surgery. I screamed no but he proceded to tie my hands above my head. He commented about my weight loss and the skil folds left behind. He was cruel. Kate moaned helplessly from the other bed she was tied and trussed up where she couldn't see what what going on but her ears and imagination would witness it all. I pleaded with him that no matter what precautions he took I could get pregnant again. I knew he wouldn't kill me becuause his back child support would never get paid if I were dead. He said I couldn't say the baby was his since I was soooo in love with Eddie and had an active sex life with my husband. He froze when I told him Eddie had a vastectomy so we could enjoy ourselve without putting my health in danger again and if I died there wouldnot be anymore money from my back child support. There would be no money for Jeffy's college and car. He would ruin our son's future just like he had his past. He left us then. At daybreak Callie found us. After questioning us she arranged to have Jeff arrested and brought me home. Sitting in the living room holding the boys was Eddie. They had been driven to a remote area in Montana and left there in a forrest. They had walked 2 days til they found the Frontier Valley setting for a PBS reality show. There they had rested until they were discovered by a cattle crew bringing new cows to the herd in the lower part of the valley. They had survived a week on the plants that had gone to seed after the experiment. The ranch hands sent for a chopper and they were air lifted to a Montana hospital then flown to our small airport and brought home to me. Kate and Callie with Don and another Special Agent named Leroy cooked us a meal with food donated by the community. Laying on the kitchen table were checks and money orders to pay bills as well as buy food. The total was $20K. There was a letter from an old friend saying he had our truck and he also had money to fix it up. Another letter gave us the pick of trucks at the local Ford dealership and in the garage were 4 new carseats. When we were alone that evening Eddie and I held each other as the boys lay with their heads in out laps we watched a mystery on PBS. A knock at the door brought fear to our throats and a key in the door sent us running down the hall. A fearful teen voice yelled "mom?" then Kate called down the hall that we had a house guest. Jeffy needed a parent to care for him until he turned 18 and since Jeff was in jail for his actions in the motel as well as for threatening Callie I was the next logical choice. She left us talking at the kitchen table setting ground rules and discussing visits to a lawyer and bank for the morning. Eddie brought in air matresses for Jeffy to use until we could buy him a bed then we all went to sleep.

I awoke this morning to hear the boys playing in the living room Eddie shushing them so I could rest. When I came out Eddie was at the computer and the boys were still in their pj's. They dressed and went outside to play and fight. Eddie gathered food from the garden and I sat down at the computer to put my dream into words.

Still complaining

2006-06-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

Oh I was up much earlier this morning because Tiger insists that he gets to get up at 6 now. I allowed them to watch a video on the couch until Tiger started kicking me and pushing me away with his feet. That doesn't feel good on a hip that needs to be replaced. He didn't like it when I put him in his play pen instead. I put a video on in his room and left him there. G=man and I went in his room and crashed for a while. When I couldn't get G-Man to sit still in his very wiggly race car bed I went to my own as I told him to stay in his room. He did start crying later but he woudn't tell me what that was about.

Yesterday shaped up pretty well. I watched my soaps as Tiger slept from 1:30 to almost 3:30. G-man played on the computer while I showered and cleaned my bathroom. Once G-man was bored I printed out some papers to work on his writing and we did that from 3:30 to 5. I got Shane to say a lot of words and associate about half of them with real stuff. Supper was done early and Eddie was late. He brought home dvds, vhs tapes, books and books on tape from the library. He was forgiven. After supper, Billy Graham pre-empted ABC'd regularly scheduled re-runs so we popped in the Colonial House dvd and watched it. I guess we watched most of that series because a lot of it was very familiar. We migrated to the bedroom and I cut Eddie's hair as we watched the last of Everwood's Finale. I think I missed a segment of it, and I just couldn't get to sleep afterward. Midnight pulled me into sleep and as I said we were up way too early.

I'm counting the minutes until I can take a nap. I guess I need to shower then take a nap. I'm off to the Everwood site to see where I missed Madison.

I'm complaining again

2006-06-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

I hate living with IBS. I hate the pain, fear, modesty garments, and legacy. I've passed this to my boys, along with BiPolar, ADD/ADHD, near sightedness, Insulin Resistance and Fibromyalgia. I know I can teach them how to manage their troubles but I can't seem to overcome the pain. I'm in pain, so I don't sleep, not sleeping leads to more pain and depression, deppression hurts physically as well as mentally. UGH.

oh my shoulder

2006-06-05T14:29:00.000-07:00

My rotator cuff is really killing me. It's kinda hard to get in the floor to play with the baby then get back up without hurting it again and again. I feel foolish. I know better than to use that arm for anything. I'm right side dominant and eeeek it's my right shoulder.

Things are shaping up around here. The back patio looked like a hayfield with all the grass growing in the cracks around the stones. It was a mess last year too. Eddie moved the brush out there to the fire pit. He says that we'll use it at night to run away the mosquitos.

I finished my book today. I loved the romantic story but I didn't like the name or voice potraying the villan in the book. The reader has performed a lot of the other books I have heard by this author and uses the same voices. That was hard to disassociate the voices with the other characters. The playfulness of the characters in the romantic setting in all of Janet Evanovich's books is great. The dialogue is something I have discovered that I miss in our own lives.

Eddie took G-man out to go grocery shopping this afternoon after he went to his social skills class. I'm hoping that he's almost done and headed home. Tiger really hates his absences on Monday afternoon. It's usually much longer since G-Man also attended sessions for speech and physical abilities but he had achieved his goals in his physical abilities and today we learned that he had achieved his speech goals too. He graduated. We're really happy that this has happened because it will no longer be a drain on our gasoline budget. Now we can make playdates.

I'm really tired. I had a panic attack at 3 this morning and it drove me out of the bed and onto the internet to play games at neopets.com. They are really relaxing. It did take me two hours to really wind down. I also didn't go back to sleep right away after I returned to bed. I should have taken some arthritis medication when I got up instead of when I returned to bed. I think I would have returned to bed sooner. I know that my shoulder does not have arthritis but the medication works to control the pain so I can sleep.

The guys are home so I'll go help with groceries.

I'm up way too early

2006-06-03T04:24:00.000-07:00

and I stayed up way too late. I went to bed at a decent hour but I just couldn't fall asleep. I knew I should have taken that sleeping pill. I got up and rocked the baby instead, I brought him to our bed too. He doesn't like to cuddle anymore or he has restless butt syndrome cause he tossed and turned for the whole time he was in there. I guess I experienced a blood sugar crash. I tried to get up to take the baby back to his bed and I had this awful dizzy spell. The room was spinning, putting my foot on the floor to stop the bed from moving didn't even help. I felt like I was on a ship caught in a hurricane. I did go to sleep though. Now I'm up. I've had a shower and started my day. I read all my email, causght up at Chit Chat, and read the last two days synopises for my soaps. My usually morning dizzy spell is starting and I'm thinking the distance to my pillow is way too far.

On the other hand, I stink. I have had my shower but I think my body chemistry is changing again. My deoderant doesn't work and I feel like I smell like onions all the time. I'm not eating onions that often. It's gross.

I dreamt about Jeffy tonight. That's probably why I went to rock the baby and why I'm up. My memories and my hopes for him always intitate a bipolar swing. I can't help it. I do handle it pretty well. It only affects my sleeping. Well that's not true my prayers for him get stuck on replay and I repeat them over and over. I guess my talking about him to the baby may have kept the poor kid awake, he's slept in so far this morning. lol, they are so much like him.

I thought I heard G-man thumping around, he's probably on a bathroom run. Even at 5 that bed looks awful big for him. He's as skinny as a rail, but he eats all the time. I'll miss that when they put him on the medication this fall. I hope that my work this summer can prevent it but so far there hasn't been any change. I've been doing the deep tissue and soft tissue sensory work and it's not helping either. I didn't want my kids to deal with this problem. I'm sorry boys, had I known that you would have been more likely to suffer through this I would have tried to change things. I didn't know about add and adhd back then, not until I was already pregnant with Jeffy. p&pt for you kiddo, stay safe.

The new schedule

2006-05-31T18:16:00.000-07:00

I turned off the tv early today. I usually let the baby watch Teletubbies in the morning but I couldn't bear hearing the same re-run that I've heard about 6 times in the last year. I put I Mean It Stanley on the tape deck. We flipped through the book along with the narrator. Afterward, we sat down and colored B sheets G-man traced words that I wrote out. Tiger made scribbles everywhere. He helped me color some things and we were done. They went off to watch videos and I put in To The Nines. I was set to laugh but the book was slow to get started. Naptime came too soon after grazing instead of a sit down lunch. After my soaps and Tiger's mandatory after nap tempertantrum I got back to my book. Oh the boys were a rough couple of stinkers this afternoon. They fought and slung things around until I was so upset that I couldn't think straight. This place is a real mess now. I told Eddie that I needed to decompress after fighting over the phone with the baby. He set them up with food and settled in on the couch listening to my book. I got a good laugh and felt soooooo much better. I joined Eddie on the couch and tried to find something to watch. Once supper was over I sent them outside. I got to watch Bones in peace. It was cool, not a re-run to me.

Tiger is out of the bath and I started him picking up toys. G-man will have to come in now. I looked out the window to check on him and discovered muddy handprints on Grandma's sewing machine. Whoooops. Time to go get the Pledge. I need to go straighten up my stuff for the night.

thinking things over

2006-05-30T18:16:00.000-07:00

I have a great idea about an episode of Smallville. It's been fun working on it.
G-man and I had a "how babies are made" talk today as we headed out to Speech. Tiger just kept singing The Abc's. It was a nice ride although I was harried trying to get there early. I didn't even get to see my Daytime Dollar's people. I would have taped it if I had thought about it but that might have been cheating.

Acording to Jim tonight is one that I have seen before. It got me to thinking about my own father. I thought it would be great to know that I had more siblings than just Carla. I'm kinda sure there are. I also laughed thinking that there are kids my children's age. That was funny considering my kids range from 17 to 2. Then I also thought about the possibility that I was a grandmother and that kid could be Tiger's age. eeek I can only hope he or she seeks me out for support cause I will give it whole heartedly.

Things didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. Leaving the house early meant that I left the snacks at home. Money was tight so I didn't think I could buy anything but I called Ed and he said he borrowed some money so I did get to feed the boys a decent snack. It was hot. When I'm faced with a decision between gas money and snack, that's sorta easy but choosing to sweat or waste gas was hard. I did each for a while and I'm thankful we could borrow some money to pad our budget until Friday.

We've made a lot of sacrifices in the last 10 years and I'm really tired of struggling. However, this house is worth it and so are the kids.

A Simple Thank You

2006-05-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two together. After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading home.

No, he responded.

Heading out I asked?

No. I'm escorting a soldier home.

Going to pick him up?

No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq . I'm taking him home to his family.

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him. He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days. I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, Thank you. Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.

Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the! forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."

Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action made me realize that I am proud to be an American.

So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.

Stuart Margel, Washington , D.C.

Here are two very very touching photos honored at this years International Picture of the Year.

First Place

First Place
Todd Heisler The Rocky Mountain News
When 2nd Lt. James Cathey's body arrived at the Reno Airport, Marines climbed into the cargo hold of the plane and draped the flag over his casket as passengers watched the family gather on the tarmac.

During the arrival of another Marine's casket last year at Denver International Airport, Major Steve Beck described the scene as so powerful: "See the people in the windows? They sat right there in the plane, watching those Marines. You gotta wonder what's going through their minds, knowing that they're on the plane that brought him home," he said. "They will remember being on that plane for the rest of their lives. They're going to remember bringing that Marine home. And they should."

Second Place

Second Place
Todd Heisler The Rocky Mountain News
The night before the burial of her husband's body, Katherine Cathey refused to leave the casket, asking to sleep next to his body for the last time. The Marines made a bed for her, tucking in the sheets below the flag. Before she fell asleep, she opened her laptop computer and played songs that reminded her of 'Cat,' and one of the Marines asked if she wanted them to continue standing watch as she slept. "I think it would be kind of nice if you kept doing it," she said. "I think that's what he would have wanted."

PLEASE KEEP THIS GOING!

Added: This "Quote" shared by grateful Americans of words spoken by a 'Great American'...

"No arsenal, no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. - - - Ronald Reagan

Mother's Day

2006-05-14T18:25:00.000-07:00

I feel guilty. I ruined my own day. I got up early cause I was so hungry and Eddie didn't have time to prepare my brunch like I had anticipated. I've been looking forward to all the crazy things that would happen today and although the gifts I ordered were nice. I was just too alone most of the day. The boys went outside and Eddie followed them. It left me too much time to think about Jeffy. Too many questions, too much to apologize for and too many regrets.

I'm gonna find a way to go to law school so this never happens to anyone in my family again.

Edited in:

Okay I had a self recrimination moment. G-man is here and wants to play plus and equals so I'm going to go.

2nd edit:
Brunch menu
Jimmy Dean Sausage 3 pounds
Butter Milk pancakes with Maple Syrup
Swiss and Cheddar Cheese slices
fresh Strawberries
Strawberry Cool Whip
Strawberry Banana Orange juice
Milk

To see the spread was really cool even though I had to put the spread out myself. Eddie bought American Greeting cards. They were wonderful. They weren't Hallmark as I requested but they were wonderful. He didn't wrap the boxes with Jewelry I had picked out but that was okay. I wore them all day. Well I took the earrings out for my nap but that was it.

Survivor was a big let down when Terri lost the last challenge and was passed over for Aras. Poor Danielle, she fell for Aras' bs hook, line and sinker. I wasn't interested in the reunion show so I went to Gray's Anatomy. I was on pins and needles for the whole show. I woke up the kids when I yelled about Burke being shot. Man, can I survive the 19 hours until the Finale?

Desperate Housewives was good although I hated to see the only 2 parent household on the block be busted up. Poor Lynnette, of course Gabby isn't fairing any better since the trailer for next week sounded like Carlos isn't going to make it. That baby better survive or I will be soooooooooooo mad. 5 single women and only Mike on the block, and we may see 2 more single women, should we change the name to Mike and his harem? I just wanted to hug Bre. Having been raised by a slovenly BiPolar men addicted mother, I just love Bre and I also know the value of Antidepressants. I cannect with her cause I've been using the same self prescribed medication to avoid some pain of my own.

I caught up with Charmed. I love that show too. I just love Television. I'm happy to see the girls moving past the magic versus normal lifestyle struggle. It's a harder thing to manage than good versus evil I guess. I see a sequel coming. Bring on Wyatt and Chris. My soap hasn't been the same since Sam left it will be good to see him working again.

Hmm since it's 12:50 a.m. I think I should actually head to bed some time soon, before Stephanie Plum has another car explode.

I love having creative dreams

2006-05-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

It's nice when I can right wrongs, solve crimes or create masterpieces in my dreams. Last night I did all three. I hope that the creators of NCIS will forgive me for using their show as the premise for my dream but I just Love that show. I think the executives of CBS are the greatest in the Entertainment field.

On with the show. I'm sitting in my dreary office in the Federal Courthouse staring at the cell phone in my hand. On my desk is a file describing the murder of a woman I went to Highschool with. I had been in awe of her Naval career since my short stint in the Army had only given me the means to pay for my law degree and an opportunity to work as a JAG in Tulsa. I'm hearing an officer from the Osage County Sherrif's office say "'mam, 'mam" but my head is spinning. The Sherriff there was on the line but he handed the phone to his deputy. His deputy says he coming to get me cause my mother is in danger and she needs me. He says my sister is at the hospital somewhere... I didn't catch it. I'm dumbfounded did he just say that my sister is dead? My door bursts open and there stands a ghost from my past. The newly elected Sherriff is an officer from the town where my sister lives. He must have worn a jet pack to get here so fast. In reality he took the helicopter that should have brought my sister to a trauma center. They landed in the construction zone of the new convention center and came right to the building across the street.

He leads me across another street and to my truck. All the way he's giving me the details of my family emergency and the names of other people that have been contacted. One of them is my husband. Sherriff Don tells me that my son's, all three of them, and their fathers were being rounded up and moved to a safe location. We speed down the road headed to a small remote town in the biggest county in Oklahoma. Sherriff Don is driving. I normally would be upset but I'm in shock and don't have the energy to tell him to slow down. I know his urgency. My mother. She is barely mentally stable on her good days. Today and everyday after would be very hard on her. My cell phone is ringing again. Washington is sending a team of special agents out to help me find Chandra's murderer. I am so relieved since I'll have to be away from the office seeing after my mother and *gulp* my dead sister. Spec Agent Gibbs and his team will arrive tonight at 6. I hang up and look at the time on my cellphone display. It's only 10 in the morning.

Don goes on... Carla didn't show up to pick up the kids. My mother wasn't answering her cellphone. Mike knew they were together. The kids were with him when he found my mother duct taped in the trunk of her car with my sister dismembered in the house. My mother was screaming when Don left the scene and according to his last contact with Mike she was still screaming. I knew she would calm down when I arrived. I was the rock in her life. I didn't like to be but that was the man she molded me into. My husband allowed me to be the soft vulneralble woman that my job and my mother did not. I loved that man for it. Don and I plotted our next moves. My mother would be hospitalized and medicated until the hysteria subsided. Once her medications were stabilized the officers would come back to question her. They had a few good leads already. Carla has been, had been having trouble with her exes all of them would be tracked down and questioned. We pulled up at the house where my sister had lived and my mother spent most weekends. I got out wrapped my mother in my arms and watched her face crumble. She agreed to take the ride to the hospital and was finally given the adivan from her purse. I made sure the emt's had her emergency medications, medical cards and drivers license, I would look after the rest and follow them in about an hour. Things moved quickly from there. I walked through the crime scene after the investigators had cleared it. I found my sister's datebook and address list. She was supposed to pick someone up from the airport. There was a sign with my father's name on it and a flight number/arrival time on the back. I asked that someone check with the Airport to see if my father was indeed coming into Tulsa today. Exiting out the back I found Mike and Carla's kids strangling my mother's dog. The dog was loving every minute of it as the kids clung to his neck. They release him and ran to me. They started crying again. Their dad was begging me to let him go home. I assured him that he and the kids were not going to go home anytime soon. He looked unhappy about that but too bad. Within a few minutes they were lead away the dog was in my truck cab belted in with the harness I kept for my own dog. His head was resting on the arm of my baby's car seat in the back and he was asleep. I got the news that my father was due in at 6 and thought great I don't have to make 2 trips through security tonight. I checked on my boys and mother. I went to my house and exchanged the truck for a van that held 8. I prayed that my father was alone and the NCIS agents were forgiving. I went back to the office to tidy up and realized that the scene I just left and the photos in Chandra's file on my desk were strikingly similar. I called Don at that point and told him. We'd compare notes over supper at my home. Gibbs and his team would need to hear it all and I could guarantee that we would not be overheard there. My father was another story.

I met both flights at the airport. My father arrived first. I told him why Carla wasn't there and begged his indulgence when we had to wait. Agent Gibbs and the team including a doctor and lab technician greeted my father well and agreed to wait for discussions until he was squared away. We left him at the hotel near my home arranged for their quarters there and left to drive to my place. Then we started discussing my case. We were still discussing it as I finished cooking and set the table for 6 strangers/collegues. After we said all we could I told them about my sister. They agreed that the two could be linked. My father called me. He was at the hospital visiting my mother and there was something I needed to know it was about another murder and a teenager, someone I knew. He wanted to come to my home.

The car service he used while in town brought him to my house and after he was settled in he explained to me and my guests the details of a murder he had witnessed in California when my mother was pregnant with me. My mother had driven out there to say goodbye before he left for NAM. They were sight seeing when they came across this boy cutting up some meat. The next morning they heard the news, a woman had been dismembered and left at the tourist attraction. My mother testified against the teen. My mother never remembered the name of the boy, repressed the whole thing until she saw my sister done the same way. He gave us the name of my 2nd husband. My world imploded. I had married a murderer, he'd accidentally shot an uncle as a teen but he had also been convicted of murder and his parents had fled the state to keep him out of prison. I had just shunned this man again, was this retaliation? Did he ever know my old highschool friend? Not through me I was sure. It was now up to Gibbs and his crew. They took over my house, cars and office. I went to stay with my boys. It was there I learned the connection between Chandra and my sister. She and my oldest son's father were dating. Jeff had encountered my 2nd husband at a bar and they exchanged words. Chaundra was there. This was the week my 2nd husband contacted me.

In my home the agents tracked down emails and letters to me from the killer. Jeff had been the target and Chandra had been the one home. Tracking the killer would be up to the team. I was staying safe and keeping the boys out of harms way. Since I wasn't part of the action I just got to know the others in the team and my father. Dr. Mallard was the greatest help with my mother. He was able to keep her distracted and entertained. They fell in love. When things wrapped up they married. Ducky's mother would be surprised but my mother knew how to handle alzhiemer patients since she's fed and cared for my grandmother. My father and I reconnected and he was able to enjoy all 5 of his Oklahoma grandkids. He did have to go home to his wife and business. I learned about other siblings. I had become an only child and a sister to 7 all in the time it took to catch a murderer and marry off my mother.

That was fun despite the sadness and fear.

First

2006-04-27T07:39:00.000-07:00

First thing this morning I woke up Eddie talking in my sleep. I told him it was 7:30. It wasn't it was only 7, I guess. G-man threw his first fit of the day at 7:40. I got dressed and chewed him out. He is not allowed to throw fits.

Tiger washed some dishes on his own today. He used half a bottle of Dawn and no water but he tried. He's in trouble right now for spitting. He'll stay in there until he goes 2 minutes without spitting. That's a hard thing to do for a boy that is teething.

2 and a half months since I've posted

2006-04-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

My computer crashed. Mother board trouble. I thought, no Problem I'll just buy a new one for my birthday but the money I was going to use didn't arrive until this last week thanks to that ex wife. Grrrr I could string a few expletives here but I won't.

The boys are so excited to have the computer to play on. I'm really happy too. I've sewed, quilted and crocheted my arm off in the last 11 weeks. Oh I have a whopper of a headache from this monitor. I need a bigger desk. I'll buy one on Monday.

Being disconnected was rough and I have been soooo sick, so has the baby and G-man has it now. I guess I need to have the house fumigated.

I'm so dissappointed

2006-01-27T09:23:00.000-08:00

I missed a call on my cell phone from a local but unfamiliar cell phone number. Since Eddie made contact with Jeffy last week my heart swelled with hope. This morning I recieved another call from the same number. I answered it and obviously the caller thought I was someone else of the same name. It was our old realtor. I told her who I was and that we had bought a house through our old property manager. She was apologetic and quickly disconnected. She's as abusive as Jeff so I'm lucky to come out unscathed.

Now I feel let down. I'm not keeping to my agreements, today. I'm so tired and not breathing well. I'm sure that my lingering illness is complicated by my depression. It's stifling. I can't communicate or think straight. Some day soon I'll be back on track. I think I'll turn the boys out after naptime. I'll have to move the ashes bucket but other than that I think the boys will be safe and have fun.

I'm going to check in at Chit Chat Corner now.

oh my head

2006-01-25T14:18:00.000-08:00

My head is killing me. Nothing is working to lessen the pain. I think the depression is making it worse. I'm feeling very limited by my lungs today. A simple walk to the bathroom causes shortness of breath and coughing.

I don't know what to do. I need a job and I'm not finding one that will cover the expenses. I can't cover daycare and child support for less than what I am asking. Gee I just feel like a failure today. Jeffy is over there on the other side of the river and I sit here paralyzed with sadness and fear. I called to get help today. As usual they need money that we don't have.

what am I going to do?

nightmares

2006-01-23T22:05:00.000-08:00

Eddie did a great thing, I will swear that until my dying day. He could never have know how one phone call can rip open old wounds. He does know how these things fester in my mind. He saw it when I was pregnant with G-man. Jeff had cut us off back then and I mainly slept out of shear emotional exhaustion. I worried about Jeffy and I worried about G-man. I found the letter I wrote just before G-man was born. Telling Jeff to give me an address of where to send money. He never answered. I lost all hope. Then we moved and the worry was on....

I've had so many losses. I'm going to get upset again. So if I focus on the good stuff like he's still in school and still alive then I can make it through the night.
Say my prayers and go to sleep? not likely to happen.

Whew this cough is going to kill me.

2006-01-19T09:09:00.000-08:00

I had a thought in the shower. Jeff said Eddie had no right to approach Jeffy. I thought “right’s, this isn’t about rights it’s about being a decent human being." But of course Jeff has never been decent. He learned to manipulate people from the masters. However I won’t be manipulated.

Oh I’m not going worry about this. See people do change, other wise Bill couldn’t go from being a stoner to a youth minister. How come everyone else gets to evolve but I’m always going to be portrayed as a nasty little teen age whore? Good thing Eddie loves me anyway and so do my boys.

Well the call came

2006-01-18T20:46:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday ah#2

It was Jeff Sr. He proceeded to try to rip me a new one. He asked why Ed spoke to Jeffy. I told him that Ed wanted to try to clear up things and get us back to the way it was 6 years ago so that I would stop walking around with a broken heart. He told me that wasn’t going to happen. No judge in the universe would ever allow me to see my son. He said that Jeffy didn’t want to see me. That only under extreme care of a psychiatrist should I ever be allowed to see him. Then he restated that no judge would allow that cause of all the child support I owe. I told him was aware of the general amount he was owed and that I still have every intention to pay those funds. He asked how much I thought I owed. I told him about 18K and he quoted me a sum of around 30K I corrected him. At only 100+ a month my child support would only me about 12K for what I hadn’t paid. He told me that my child support was nearly $200. I told him that he had suggested raising my child support and that if he ever did it I was never served with the new court order and my court order said only 100+. I also said that child support and visitation do not go hand in hand. But it was okay if Jeffy didn’t come to me this year and that Jeff could continue to poison his mind against me. Jeffy would be an adult in a year and that Jeff sr would have no say after that. He wanted to know why I would suggest he was poisoning Jeffy against me. I told him that he uses this as an occasion to continually abuse me. Keep me under his thumb, but I wasn’t going to live that way. I lived here I shopped here and I was bound to run into them eventually. We don’t even shop there. This was just a fluke. I wasn’t going to let this limit my life. I would be here when Jeffy made the move. Eddie approached Jeffy not sr. To make peace and avoid the nastiness that comes with dealing with Sr. We talked about when we saw Jeffy last. Sr. said that was a mistake. He told me that Ed had no right to approach Jeffy. Eddie was violating a court order. I told him there wasn’t a court order against Eddie. When he suggested he get one I told him to do what he pleased cause eventually my son would know me. He would seek me out. I would be here to be found. I said I’ll tell you what, when I get a job and I get insurance I’ll seek our psychological evaluation. If that professional says that I need to be supervised then I’ll follow that plan of reconciliation., but I would not let Jeff keep power over me by abusing me. I would avoid Jeff Sr. at all costs. Good night and have a good weekend.

There are things I wish I would have said and things that I did say that meant I broke an agreement. I took it all personally. My love for Jeffy is out there. He can’t deny it. It’s fueled me some days. It’s lived in my heart and sometimes my imagination. If this brings about legal action., even child support court then so be it. I’ve hidden in the pain for way too long. I’m going to live. I will be cautious but I will live. I don’t think a judge would ever grant a po for things that were alleged 12 years ago. I really don’t care. Jeffy will have to renew it when he turns 18 and I don’t think that will ever happen.

I almost fell to crying bits when I hung up. I got loud but G-man was going to bed and Tiger was asleep so hopefully they won’t ever feel the effects of this. Well okay I’m going to be grumpy tomorrow cause my BiPolar will never let this go tonight. I’ll be okay. I shouldn’t shut Eddie out right now I should be in bed but I knew putting this in digital form would help me.

God Bless My sons. I love them all and always will

Jeffrey

2006-01-17T21:24:00.000-08:00

I know you expected me to come up there tonight. I'm sure you watched the door. Maybe you even called your dad and he came up to watch the door. I never showed because I didn't want to infect you. I have some nasty bronchial crud. Baby Tiger has had it for a long time now and I just can't seem to get rid of it.

What a scene it would have been if I had. I would have been crying so much that I probably would have passed out after an asthma attack, hyperventalating and/or choking on extra crying induced mucus. How's that for TMI?

Eddie fulfilled my dream tonight. You made that dream come true even more so by taking that business card. I have no expectations. I would like to have them but I was so hurt 6 years ago. You were only 11. Now you are a man, I'm going to start crying again.

I made some provisions tonight. I told the family. We're so close yet so explosive that I didn't want to give them the actual location of your work. My mother is tenacious. She's also swinging through her bipolar dangerzones and I want to protect you from that as much as possible. You have to be very strong and very well armed to deal with her.

Of course Grandma didn't live to see this day. I'm sure she did see it. That's just my beliefs. Man she loved you more than anyone on this earth.

oh Gee these Albuterol shakes make it hard to type.

I have so much I want to tell you. You've been so much a part of my life that G-man thinks you are an imaginary friend. Of course in his mind you're only 5 cause that's how old he will be on their birthday. It's so hard to hear him talk to Jeffy. I know he sees you. The you he knows from the photos. I have one of you at 5. I compare him to all the missing memories of you. I shouldn't do that but I always have. Cause I let him down like I let you down. During your 4th year I wasn't there. I'm so sorry. Post Partum depression really ripped me up and left big chasms where our relationships should be.

Little bit, I love you, I alway have and I always will.

Eddie made me the luckiest wife on Earth today

2006-01-17T18:45:00.000-08:00

He caught him at work. Eddie went to pay a bill and spotted him. Eddie waited until Jeffy was finished with his assignment and reintroduced himself. He gave Jeffy my phone numbers. Eddie told him we had been trying to make contact. Trying to track him down. It was not him that I saw at the library that day. Eddie had seen him this summer but he couldn't read his name tag.

Apparently the little stringbean I have pictures of doesn't apply anymore. He's over 6 feet tall. Eddie had to look up at him. He has put on some weight. Eddie says he looks just like me.

I'm going to cry. Jeffy did say that he's going to talk to his dad before he calls me. I'm not going to break my agreements with myself and get worried that no contact means something bad.

I think I need to go to bed now.

Chicken noodle soup day

2006-01-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

Daily Journal — that recipe for Hearty Chicken Noodle Soup from America's Test Kitchen took a lot longer than I expected and wasn't quite what I bought for. I should have pulled the recipe from the website. It was fun and very good despite the hard work.

Gratitude —
CCC
Eddie
my cook book
food in the fridge
tv

I did so much cooking today that I'm too wiped out to exercise

I miss cooking at my grandma's house. I just miss her so much She died this summer and it still hits me that I can't go see her.

I can't get rid of this cough.

new years resolution

2006-01-05T09:07:00.000-08:00

I need to journal for 3 things a day and I hate going to 2 different places to do it so I need to resolve to only journal in one place. I don't want to do it on a computer file cause they tend to be over looked. I need to pay attention to this sight and Chit Chat Corner. I don't really have a place on CCC to do it but this site is linked in my signature so hopefully I'll do everything throught there. Starting today.

It's time to check the calendar

2005-11-01T11:27:00.000-08:00

http://www.fightprostatecancer.org/site/Calendar?view=MonthGrid

See if there will be a date in your area and take those men to have the screening.

I took Eddie yesterday. I posted that he has prostatitus which is just an inflammation of that pesky gland. Most men have it and it can just be from an infection or just cause it wants to swell. Any pain in that area needs to be checked. He had pain last week so this free exam was God sent for us.

Penny has insisted that I join her in Oprah's new project. So I'm going to change my life through the program she's promoting. I'm so excited. Woo hoo.

I feel this way today

2005-10-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

Our first School Halloween Parties

2005-10-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

This morning I dropped off Eddie at Tulsa Community College to get the paperwork to teach a class tomorrow. Then I went to come and play. They had a parade of costumes the come and play kids went first. Tiger was not too keen on walking across the stage so I followed him. I didn't get any pictures phooey. Then I waited to see G-man. His class went last so it was a long wait. I was so happy. I'm still so happy, I'm crying. Oh the things I missed when I lost Jeffy.

Any way we brought home so much candy that I just let them have it. They need lunch too but there was nooooo way I could have that fight today. Tiger is doing pretty well opening the candy he wants. G-man asks me to do it. I know he should do it on his own but it's an opportunity to kiss him and tell him I love him. I realized last night that we don't get that much any more.

I finished my lapghan from Grandma's sweater jacket

2005-10-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling better now that we have settled into a routine.

Well my place is a wreck today. I have fabric every where to make costumes for parties tomorrow. I had all ready made 2 costumes and G-man's is too small and Tiger's allergic to it and the one I made for him so I'm starting over. We picked out and laundered the material last night I'll cut out the patterns today during naptime and then start sewing tonight when Eddie is home.

I've been crocheting during the time I surrender my computer to G-man. I've completed this:

the squares with the x pattern on them were created by my grandmother. I just put them together and put the black trim around them
.
right now I'm working on a baby version of this:
.

from this pattern
.

It's going to a niece for christmas.

Eddie will be teaching a Mat cutting class Saturdays at the Community College through November. That will be nice for the extra money--He can get his dl back for Santa visits.

I took Eddie to court today.

2005-10-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

You know me I worried that he would have to do jail time or community service, would have a suspended license for another few months or years. Nope, just a fine and that's set up on payments starting next month. Phew. I said a prayer of thanks on the way home.

I'm so stressed out. I need chocolate and exercise. Time to do the latter.

Yesterday was a busy day for us as well. I took G-man to school and came home to crack a whip at Eddie. He was supposed to work on the website for his shop during nap time. He was putting it off until yesterday afternoon forgetting that he would not be here. So I watched the CBS morning show and crocheted while he fixed up the website. We then started preparing for the busy day. Fixed lunch for eating on the run, packed snacks and extra drinks. When G-man got off the bus he was shocked to be loaded up in the truck to start his appointments. At noon we were supposed to see Tammy the psychologist. Unfortunatley she was in court. I did get 20 minutes of uninterupted crochet time in. We headed over to see LouAnn and Caroline the Occupational and speech therapists. We spent 2 hours there for 2- 45 minute appointments. G-man did great with motivation that daddy was watching him not me. I got to crochet until I ran out of yarn. I knew I should have packed another skein. I did pick up another project to work on but it's complex and makes it hard to do and watch out for Tiger. Afterward we went to the pastor's house. They have pecan trees and lost 2 in the last year or so. The harvesters take down the bad tree and plant a new one but they leave the cut wood stacked in the back 40 as Brother Foster puts it. He and the family no longer have a fireplace so they don't need the wood. We picked up a bed full and a used chainsaw. The Huskvarna runs but the chain would not cut butter. I bought Eddie a sharpening set for his Dremel way back when, once we find it we should be fine. I figure we might get a rick a week from somewhere.

Eddie started a fire Sunday night. Boy did the livingroom heat up fast. We learned a few things. the doors to the "stove" insert have vents. The fire can be controlled by adjusting the vents. However we didn't know this and just shut the doors. Eddie was shocked when the fire went out. We smothered it. He quickly opened the door and woosh the fire sprang back to life. We also have a blower to fan the heat. I turned it on just to get a feel for it. Ick that stunk. It really needs to be serviced alas that will have to wait for another day. I need to get cracking on costumes for the boys. G-man wants to be a ghost. I said Tiger was going to be a tiger but now I'm not so sure. I can't find my orange material. I probably cut it up for quilt squares, lol. that's my project for the day to find the orange material.

Gathering ideas about birthday

2005-10-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

Ambrosia of Tulsa Moms and Baby play group made this cake for her son's 1st birthday.

Here's what she said about it:

Here are some pics of Connor's 1st Birthday cake (that he won't even eat). The chicken and cow are candles, but everything else is home made. The pigs and corn are royal icing; the barn is solid pound cake, the roof and road are crushed up graham crakers. The grass is homemade butter cream icing. I sure hope everyone likes it. Not sure I ever want to bake again! lol

She's doing a candy hunt in a haystack today too. I thought that would be a great idea for the boys too. We could do in in the garage if we have snow or in the garden if we have some warmth.

Firewood scavenger hunt

2005-10-20T19:42:00.000-07:00

We filled the bed with wood we found along the side of the road up Union. Ed says he thinks that they were also clearing along the access road to the training center. We came up Union and they've got a stack on the walking trail too. I guess we would need a wagon on a 4 wheeler to get that or we could toss it over the fence to the highway and load the truck from there.

I need to get out to the church. It's in a pecan grove and they've taken down 2 trees out there. We'll probably do that Monday. Our pastor has offered us a chainsaw. It looks like we're going to need the wood this winter since the gas prices will be so high.

The boys had a blast listening to the thud of the chunks. Unfortunately G-man didn't get to go to the bathroom and left a puddle in his car seat. Welp. Shame on me for not thinking about his needs after giving him another cup of Kool-aid in the truck.

I'll be going out after bed time to unload it.

oooowwwie

2005-10-18T07:32:00.000-07:00

I smashed my index finger in the door of the truck. I got the fattest part, It's really swollen but not broken. Today I cannot bend it and it's even more swollen. I can't find a job this way.

I'm feeling so lost

2005-10-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

I told my pastor that I always felt that God had my back. Then an hour later I was screaming "why doesn't anyone listen to me" Okay, so the 4 year old doesn't have the best comprehension of everything I say. But still I think his brain is in upside down. I told him don't put that straw in his mouth and it goes right in there. ickkkkkkkkk. The cat had been chewing on it. Then I focus on the rules I set that aren't followed. The biggest one was the cat doesn't come in to play unless the livingroom has been cleaned and all the toys are put away and the dishes are in the sink. There's no chance the kids will put stuff in their mouths after the cat has chewed it if it's not there to be chewed on. I snuck off to have one bubble bath in the first 6 months we have been here.

I'm so stressed out. Sometimes going to church eases the stress. Today it did not. It gave me a few tools and ideas but I have so many questions that I just can't find answers for.

What the psychologist said about G-man and the bus

2005-10-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

It's going to be a long drawn out ordeal to get him to open up about what happened. Once She gets an indication of what has happened then the psychologist will get the authorities involved. It could happen at the next appointment or it may take weeks/months. She did say that after a certain time if she has introduced the subject of being molested a couple of times and he doesn't show any interest in discussing it she will go ahead and let us know that it either didn't happen or he's repressed it so much that we won't get it to surface. She will teach us how to handle the behaviors that have surfaced wheter they are molestation based or just cause he felt abandoned. I really thought this was going to be a cut and dried session. She would talk to me then talk to G-man then say, yes he needs to be seen cause his behavior indicates he was molested. I just didn't realize that life isn't like the movies. It's going to take a long time to get the answer.

She did sympathize with our decision to transport him to school and allow him to ride the bus home where there are 2 adults. She did suggest that we do not discuss it aloud while he is in the room because I noticed that he gets more agitated when we do. She'll teach us how to handle the increased agitation.

Well I met with the superintendent this morning

2005-10-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to put into words the level of anger and fear, I have felt about this all day.

First he set up the appointment but claims that I didn't confirm it. So he had a meeting that he had to steal time away from. Then we had to wait for the bus supervisor to arrive. They both reitterated all the stuff that I've read and heard quite a few times before. Finally I got to talk and asked the question that has been burning in my mind for a week. Did they pull the tape from G-man's bus and review it? I got told that they did and the tape did not play---it was defective. I almost threw up. Then they said the tapes are only recording when the bus is running. I told them I got my answer. They cannot verify that the driver did not fondle, intimidate or in any way harm my son in that unaccounted hour. I told them that I felt like this incident was being minimalized. They both said they considered themselves huge child advocates and they were sorry but would stand by all that we were told. I told them we were taking G-man to see a therapist to identify the possibility G-man was harmed. The meeting was over then. If I wasn't going to take their word then they had nothing more to say. They did offer one more thing to comfort me. The bus that picks the kids up at the other school now has to sound off that the empty buses are checked before she leaves. With this new security measure in place G-man is welcome to rejoin the babies in the neighborhood on the bus.

I'm going to continue to take him while I need to take Eddie to work as well. I did tell them that G-man would take the bus occassionally this year. Maybe next year he can get back on the morning bus.

Why can't I stop worrying about this? Why do I always imagine the worst? The "What if"'s are killing me.

The rest of G-man's story

2005-09-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

When G-man got home yesterday he just kept saying he lost the bus driver.
Here's the real story:

After G-man and his friends are picked up they are taken to an elementary 5 miles away. There they meet up with other kids headed to ECC and they are all tranferred to one bus for the trip "across the river" Well Bus #1 was acting funny so instead of chocking the bus at the elementary until it was time to take those kids home. The substitute driver too the bus to the barn pulled up into a bay and got out to get the mechanic started on it. As they are filling out paperwork right outside the bus they hear G-man on the bus. He cries when he awakes from naps--- he always has. So they hear him crying. Figure out who he is and where he needs to go. He wears a name tag for that purpose. They got a truck and took him to School. I was just so upset that we weren't called before 10. Mr Jackson said he was in a conference at the time but could see the whole thing. He was finished at 9:30 so he called the principal and the principal called us.

He wasn't "missing" for as long as we had imagined but long enough to raise questions.

I made another hard decision today. I sold my Explorer. I knew we needed the cash more than the wheels. I only got half of what I was expecting to get but it covers the things I needed cash for. We still have Eddie's truck although it's not running right. It gave me enough to pay for the reapair I owe for and go ahead and fix it. That's a lot cheaper to fix the truck than the Explorer.

Oh it was such a hard day. I fuigured that we could take the truck to the dealership I sold my Explorer to imstead. Well as I've said before iThe truck is not running right. SoThe truck conked out and I had to push it 2 blocks to a safe place to leave it. I'm panicked by now. We can't sell this piece of junk and I've just screwed up my own beloved Explorer by pushing the truck up a hill we should have been on the upside of if my husband had actually listened to me. So I go buy a paper and a Truck Trader. I see what I needed to see right away, which dealership is doing a direct buy from the public.

Once the deal has been struck I called my mom finish the paperwork and unload all the toys and crap we had in there. I kept thinking "Okay mother where the f are you? I said it aloud once and there she was just in time to hear me.

She took us to the bank to cash the check. Then we went to try to get a loaner while we put the truck in the shop. I need to get the dang cash into the checking account and it's too late to get it done tonight. So mother brought me home. Geesh she says she babies her new car and creeps 10-15 miles under the speed limit while we're in the car and want to get home in a hurry. On her own way home she got a speeding ticket. She took the exact route home I that she brought us over here on. Grannie was groovin' she says.

So i'm banking on a sick truck to get Eddie to work tomorrow. Get this it would make it every day but he decided not to chance it. I'll send it to the Ford shop when we get a loaner.

That was my day. It was rough but I feel better knowing that these bills will be paid and Eddie can't wreck my Explorer.

My morning started off badly

2005-09-19T07:46:00.000-07:00

It's the hottest day we've had in weeks and G-man got left on the bus this morning. So I'm not in a good mood.

The principal, Mrs Ledbetter called this morning. She wanted to talk about G-man. He had fallen asleep on the bus and was not dropped off at the Early Childhood Center. That bus makes 2 or 3 more stops before it heads to the bus barn. The driver didn't check the bus before he parked it. I got a call at almost 10 to tell me that he was now at the early childhood center and safe. He should have been there at 8:15-8:30. So now can I panic? What could have happened to him out there at the bus barn? Oh God, I have so many ideas but I won't say any of them.

Poor G-man was already having a bad day. He was up way too early this morning. I guess he didn't go back to sleep. He fell on the way to the bus stop and almost refused to hug Eddie good bye.

My poor baby. Eddie's home and oh so angry. He doesn't get mad very much so when he is it's really bad. I've only seen him mad about 5 times in our whole relationship.

Now I have an hour and a half to wait to talk to G-man. I'm going to be a basket case til then.

This doesn't help my tummy any. I've been so sick since G-man left for school.

G-man's first day of school

2005-08-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

Well today was bittersweet and annoying altogether. G-man spent his first 2.5 hours in preschool today. He's in the Early childhood Center in town. It started off badly though. On Meet and Greet night last Thursday we met with the bus driver coordinator for the school. She gave us a spike for the yard to identify us as a stop on the route. She told us that our bus was #42 and it would be by to pick up G-man at 8. She didn't tell us that the bus route in the morning picks up all the students in the area and we would have to walk G-man to the common bus stop 2 blocks away and be there at 7:30. Yep he missed the bus. finally I sped up to the school at 8:30 and tugged him to his class. He fought me hard. There was "his bus" in the parking lot and he wanted to ride on it right then. Once we rounded the corner where the bus was out of sight then he spotted the play ground. I almost cursed. I got him into his class, put away his backpack/mailbox and yelled goodbye. He didn't even look up from the play dough. I huffed my way around the building to get into an arguement with the bus coordinator she told us the wrong time Thursday and the school nurse because she didn't feel comfortable giving G-man an inhaler treatment but the school is not equiped with a nebulizer and I need ours at home for Tiger. I was told of course they don't do front door pick up. I would have to walk the 2 blocks to get him on the bus each morning and I assumed that I would be back out there every afternoon to escort him home. They don't let little ones off the bus without a parent there. I wouldn't be home this time so I called Eddie. Gave him the info and since 7:30 is an hour before school starts I figured he would be one of the first ones home. Eddie was waiting at the supposed spot at 11:15. By noon the bus had not arrived and my imagination was running wild. Finally the bus found Eddie at the designated spot and corrected him. G-man and I or Eddie will have to walk the 2 blocks in the morning but not on the return trip. He will be dropped off at home. Phew!!!! I don't have to drag a wheezy Tiger out every day to pick up his brother.

All the extra activity made me late for a job interview and testing. I made that time up this afternoon when Eddie took G-man and Tiger over to Speech and OT. I did make it on time to another interview to do monogramming. I go back for a trial run Wednesday afternoon. Wooohooooo. The other place says she'll try to place me in a temp position at $11-14 an hour. Wouldn't that be nice? Don't waste your prayers on that one. Temp agencies rarely fulfill those juice offerings.

Gosh I haven't posted in a long time

2005-07-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

We moved in to the Sand Springs house. We didn't get to paint before we moved in and we've had 2 clogged drains but we love the house. I hurt my shoulder again so the pool returned to the blackened pond scum look it had when we bought the house. I need to repair the filter so the pump will have to stay off this week. I should at least put some chlorine in the pool but gosh that bucket is so heavy.

I've been quite depressed since I can't find a job and we have so many new expenses with the house. It scares me.

The boys are happy and full of bumps and bruises from rough housing all over the place.

I've started quilting again and I guess I've spent more time at the sewing machine and cutting table than on the computer. Well, the computer was broken then the monitor went out so I really can't compare the time spent. I can't wait to host my first party. Premier Designs will be here on the 4th of August. Yay.

2005-05-21T10:26:00.000-07:00

we got everything arranged to close on the house Friday at 3. So, I made arrangements to have my dsl transferred to the new house next month and once again the provider is giving me trouble. It seems that the new house is in a different market. No dsl. So it will be off here on June 3rd.

As soon as we get phone service over there I'll hook up my telephone modem and use dial up to get in when I can.

The big problem we had with not getting to close in April was the insurance premium. Monday May 16th I talked to the insurance agent and told him do what you need to do to reduce our premium to $6 or 700 he got it down to 700 plus the flood insurance which is $233 a year. The lower insurance rate lowered our debt ratio enough to get us approved for the loan. Yipeeeeeeee. I got them all the final paper work on the insurance and they called the closer.

I'm so happy, afterall I have had insurance on the house for almost a month now.

it's done, it's done, it's done! We're home owners!

BUT.... The seller's agent refused to give us the keys until the closing company writes him a check. The closing company couldn't write the check until the lending company wires the money and that won't happen until Monday.

I am soooooo stressed out.

2005-05-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

This house buying experience has been driving me nuts. I feel so sorry for the owner. I know that she's planning a trip to Europe with this money and I'm so sorry that this has taken so long.

Meanwhile I'm in a panic. I have to pay $695 to an inspection service whether we get the house or not. Allstate is continuing to debit our account for the insurance premiums whether we get the house or not. We've paid the $300 for an appraisal that falls way short on the true value on the house. The insured value on the house and the purchase price are almost $60k apart. I keep waiting and waiting. It's so hard to wait. So I told Eddie that we needed to cancel the insurance and to tell the lender we were cancelling the insurance today if they didn't get us approved. Of course they say wait until tomorrow morning. I'm shaking, I'm so upset. I honestly told Eddie I'm suicidal over this and I am, well more like self destructive. Bad checks and high debts are calling to me.

On another hand we got one copy of my credit report and at least I don't see any credit checks that I haven't approved. So maybe we can get things back on track. I saw a few small things that I could have paid off but didn't so I'll try to get a job to get some of these things paid.

Tomorrow I have to see a DHS worker, I was hoping I would have a job so we wouldn't need to go through this scrutiny but the boys need the insurance. I need to gather the paperwork together and get printouts tomorrow for the bank accounts.

God, I feel like puking or getting smashed. I could do both right now.

Ugh I hate SBC

2005-05-12T10:53:00.000-07:00

I've had the same internet service for almost 3 years but when I moved here they stopped charging me for it. then today---BOOM, "Mrs. T***** you owe us for 4 months of internet and that modem we sent you to replace the one our tech broke, uh you have to pay for it. That will be $500.00 due this week. We will be happy to take a check over the phone."

Sonov va vitch. Geeze people we could barely pay the bill when we weren't being charged for the dang dsl but to pay for 5 months at once? Right before we're trying to close on the house? Who are they trying to kid? So I talked them down to $400 and I'll pay half of that in 2 weeks but I guess I'm going to have to sell my truck to pay the other half plus close on the house and cover the darn flood insurance that's been added to my home owners policy. Holy cow. Some one want to get me job?

I'm in a bad mood. I'm still sick the cold has moved down into my lungs and I cannot find my Mucinex. Tiger is really sick too. He needs to have a breathing treatment every few hours. I have a feeling we're going to back in the doctor's office in a week to get amoxicillin and prednisone for him. my poor baby. I would have never believed that my lung problems could be transfered to the boys. Of course Eddie's asthma is inherited so it's not all my fault.

I need to track them down. They are having too much fun down the hall. I bet they are in my bed again.

My poor babies

2005-05-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

I had a meltdown yesterday. Eddie was late. The kids and I are sick. He didn’t bother to call me to tell me where he was. I hate having to call and say, “where are you?” He thought that I knew. Well the truth is that I just can’t keep everything I need to remember straight. It’s rough to have one break in the routine every two weeks. My need for routine is overpowering lately. But I have been overly stressed about this house sale and looking for a job. I also found out that there is someone using my identity. I apply for jobs only to find she has applied too using my new job history. Or they run a background check on my name and find her DUI. So I have to invest in a couple of OSBI reports. We’re dead broke and I need to get these things done to get the great job I wanted. I’m going to be sick.

The kids are getting the worst of me and I hate myself for it.

A military memory

2005-05-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine in Chicago has a son in Iraq. The poor guy is newly married and has a baby on the way. My friend is very upset that her dil’s sister is being a bitch to her son’s friend and is spreading stories about the dil. It all upsets her son. She put it like this.

” I told her that I had something to say to her and I wasn't saying it to hurt her feelings or to piss her off, but the bullshit has to stop with the tales being told to him. Either tell him everything herself or stop sending messages or tell her sister to shut her mouth. That is would only take a split second for him to lose his life if he was distracted about something going on at home. He needs to completely focus on what he's doing there to save his life and others and not to be worried about bullshit back in the states. If she wanted to tell him then tell him in a letter or when he can call. And just because her sister was miserable in her marriage and was leading her husband around by his crotch hairs doesn't mean she gets to do it to him. Also that I've been his mother a lot longer than she has been his wife. And that when they married they created their own family unit. I wasn't going to stick my nose in their business, but when he comes to him and his mental health and safety...I would and if anything happened to him because of some stupid bullshit tale being told him from someone in Co. "mama wasn't going to be a happy person and would be looking for answers"! Not a threat but a promise. She needs to realize that she has to take care of things at home and not give him any extra worry. She certainly knew that he was Army and re-enlisted, she made a choice when she chose to marry him and have a baby. Now I didn't say that to her tonight, but have said it in the past and I don't think I need to repeat it. She has a load to carry and I'm willing to help her if she needs it. She is lucky to be able to receive calls and e-mail from him, I didn't have that when his dad and hubby were active duty. You either got nothing or hoped for a letter.”

It got me to thinking about 1990. I wasn’t happy that Jeff was over there and I hated his enlistment from the start. But I was also so paralyzed with fear that I really almost wished that I could stay home and in bed like my mom often did. It was so hard to deal with his family. They knew it all and I couldn’t tell them anything different. I didn’t want any interference from his mother about anything and she was a big bitch to me. At that time I was really dedicated to my marriage because I didn’t want him to die and me be out screwing around at that very minute. I also felt very secure in my marriage that my rights and future were protected unlike during basic training and the final time I returned to Oklahoma. But the one glaring difference in those 3 timeframes. While Jeff was in Iraq I was on antidepressants to keep me going. I was well supported and didn’t have his parents breathing down my neck. That’s so sad.

I see that difference here. Eddie supports me 100%. His parents do not have any say in our lives. We actually have to parent them. Jeff isn’t at that point in his life and maybe when he is he will understand what hell I have been through in my life being my mother’s keeper. ~~~I just vomited remembering Jeff trying to force me to turn my back on my mother.~~~ We struggled so much that year. Keeping my mom from trying to kill herself again, getting her money in order to keep her from being homeless and dealing with court cases. I didn’t need his demands to make it worse. He was not my boss not could he dictate my life although he thought he had that right because he had custody of my oldest son. He is such a jerk.

I hope he really finds out what a true marriage and partnership is.

I just love this picture

2005-04-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

.

From http://www.therealmartha.com/WARWhatisAm/CrazyComputerLady_blank.jpg

Whomever created that for the website was very creative.

I just scarred G-man for life

2005-04-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

We were watching "Cloud" on PBS. There is a portion where a stallion kills an ailing foal. G-man freaked out. He has been in my lap for the last half hour. Some times crying, often asking questions and begging me to make it better. Make the pony better. I had forgotten that segment. I was in the bathroom when I heard the lead in and didn't get back to the tv in time. Poor boy, he saw how vicious life can be at 4 years old.

But Tiger doesn't care as long as I feed him when he's ready.

I'm so glad I don't live in my dreams

2005-04-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

I never wanted to live in a South Fork or Spaulding Mansion setting. I was in one during my quiet time after Eddie and the kids got up. I was trapped living in this house with wives of Eddie's brother's and cousins. We had a driver to take us on outings and to "work", family approved charity work. I awoke trying to close a blind on a window that isn't there.

The boys wouldn't be able to do this if we did live like that.

This house, Omstead and my day sucked

2005-04-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

the property manager called this morning so I asked her about the appliance repair order. She called Omstead Services then called back and gave me their phone number. I called to talk to the scheduler, she was at lunch, which I knew was BS. I thought no way am I going to wait around all day for her to avoid calling me so I called back just to get on the list. Finally I got to talk to Denise. She said "I've called and called." I told her she "did not, her number would be on my caller id and she should have been smart enough to leave a message on the voicemail." To that she replied, "well it rang 3 times then I had to catch another call" Meaning she's too busy to be bothered by leaving a voicemail. Then she says, "I'll try to get Barry out there I think he has the sniffer on the truck." She asked for an alternate number I gave her 828/0408 she said "I have your cell phone number give me another number. I told her that was my home number then she compared numbers---She had the wrong number 826/0408. Idiot. She put my workorder in the stack of to be handled right away. Then she called back to verify the number and said they would call me sometime this week. UH UNH, no, I wanted some one today.
Troy- the owner called back. He proceeded to ask me why they should come out because "all gas stoves emitt carbon monoxide" I told him because there's a gas leak. Then he told me to call a plumber. It's in the stove and I told him so. Then he says are you sure. Yes I'm sure they says it's emitting carbon monoxide and natural gas. He argued with me about whether you can smell carbon monoxide. I started yelling at him to shut the f up and listen to me. Then I told him about getting sick, calling 911, the Fire department and OKla. Nat. Gas coming out here what the pink tag on the stove says and that it's not coming from the pipes it's coming from the stove. I told him I was really sick from this and could not wait another week. I'm running out of things to microwave.He hung up on me.
Hank a service man called said they would be here in a few minutes--an hour ago. I told him I needed my stove back because this is affecting my blood sugar. But they just don't care. No one is answering the phone now.

I could just scream. I've been cussing like a sailor ever since. I can't find the tag that they put on the stove. G-man was playing race car with his milk at lunch and spilled it. Tiger rubbed Miracle Whip in his eye and has been screaming hysterically off and on since. Even in his sleep.

It's not a good day for me, to say the least. Even my phone bill is screwed up. It really sucks.

All these things are interrupting my soaps. I'm going nuts. My memory is really giving me trouble. I know this is all tied in to my Natural Gas exposure. I have to have a repeat glucose test and I hate that it's the 3 hour test. GRRRRRRRRRR

The repair guy is here finally and just doesn't get it that a gas stove can emit gas other than having a pilot light out. Why does it seem that everyone are idiots today?

What Crochet Means to Me

2005-04-02T16:23:00.000-08:00

Crochet to me means security. The secure feeling of happy memories from mychildhood snuggled under a buttery yellow afghan made specifically for me bymy Grandmother. I can be secure in my history of creative and ingenious menand women when I touch the wooden hook my grandmother's father made for herduring the Depression. Crochet has its rewards in my family as well. Often aproject could excite my mentally ill and severely depressed mother. Her need for completion would infect our creative spirits and revive her connection to the family. There is nothing more secure to a preteen in rehab than the crocheted tiny rose mailed to me. A touch of home in a coldinstitutional surrounding. A reminder that my beloved bushes are waiting for me to emerge like the first buds of spring. I can come home and be welcomed by all. The warmth of a snagged and scruffy crochet cap worn by mygrandfather to hunt in, my uncle during chemo and my husband to play. I also know I will never be naked or cold because I can fashion warmth out of wisps of cotton, fur or grass through crochet.

I'm so sick

2005-03-26T12:07:00.000-08:00

Oh, my lungs. Some how we caught a chest cold and after Eddie moped around here for almost a week I caught it. The chills he had last night has hit me. I guess this is the time I should actually get dressed. My jammies, shorts and t-shirt, aren't very warm according to the goose bumps on my legs.

The boys need to be in bed so I can crochet. Oh but Penny should be on Ym. I think I'll put the brats to bed later. As long as G-man doesn't run over my foot with the rc car they are allowed to stay up.

I had something I wanted to say but I'm too sick to remember.

Oh we bought a house. I can't wait until we can move in. Ugh, moving. I need a job so I can pay movers!!!!!

I feel rejected today no one came to my party.

2005-03-19T11:17:00.000-08:00

I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I made a lot of efforts to make friends with the gals at Metro Tulsa Moms on a yahoo group. I just wasn’t getting anywhere. There must be something deficient in me. It’s the same way at church. I keep opening myself up to this and I keep getting rejected. I just don’t understand.
I can analyze this until the coming of Christ and I just don’t get it. So I’ll break it down. I joined this group on yahoo. A great group lively emails and activities. I didn’t often get replies or feedback to my posts. So I opened myself up some more and attend an event I can afford. Okay I blew it by causing Trisha and myself to be an hour late but I really tried. But it’s like I didn’t connect with Trisha, Jessica or Jamie. What the hell did I do wrong? Then I met Carrie. We didn’t connect either. I thought at Becky’s party I’d at least connect with someone. I tried to speak to everyone. But I never felt like I was truly part of any conversation. When I left I felt like crying. I just don’t belong anywhere. I kept a positive attitude and thought that today might be different. I wanted this so badly. I’m 34 and I have no friends. Those that have known me find it easy to just let me walk away. No one showed today. I planned a special activity for every possible age group. I spent money, and fretted over not being good enough. I feel like it was confirmed---I am not good enough. All I wanted was one person to acknowledge that I was actually a person worthy of getting to know. That my house with the gum and burn marks on the carpet was okay.
I sit here. Alone. Thinking about the baby shower my husband threw for me cause no one else would. My own sister decided to put me in jail rather than see me happy in my life. My mom would rather have sex with strangers than sit and talk to me. I’m so lonely. What do I have to do? How will I teach my boys to be human when I’m not human myself?
I’m so angry. I’m yelling at the boys. Handling Tiger roughly. I just want to lash out at those women. Make them understand how they have hurt me. Instead I internalize it or turn it against the boys. I hate myself. I’m not adult enough to treat my children like the precious gems they are. I treat them better when I’m around other loving mothers. But afterward I feel two faced. That’s not how I was brought up. My mother was never caring and nurturing toward me that I remember. And when they say that all the kids will remember is the bad stuff it’s true. So I’ve tried my hardest to over shadow the bad with good but it’s not working. I guess that’s why I let Jeffy go so he wouldn’t have to live the last 13 years with a monster. I had hoped to learn from other mom’s what I can’t learn from books. Teach me to be a loving compassionate woman that nurtures her kids not the monster that screams at them all day long. But without them I would be very much alone today. Counting down the minutes until Eddie comes home and makes me feel whole again.
Okay, I’m a Christian woman. I know my worth to God and Christ. I know my mission is to raise God fearing and God loving children. But I feel like I’m letting Him down. I have no one to witness to other than my kids and I’m not doing God’s work there either because I’m a monster. A horrible, yelling, swearing, shoving, spanking monster. Even when I read the book I just lose it. Cause I’m always hiding the monster. It’s so exhausting.
So I quit the groups. I forgive them they didn’t realize what this meant to me. I just didn’t want to ruin their experience with the bitterness. I didn’t want them to feel awkward toward me. Half my life is over. I’ve lived this long without friends I can survive the other half cause I have Christ in my heart. I don’t need the things of this world. I’m still depressed but God will forgive my depression and one day my kids will understand, I pray.

Job Hunting

2005-03-02T19:05:00.000-08:00

I have an interview with the Tulsa World tomorrow to be a receptionist. I only need to find a job to get health insurance and have money to blow for extras. I just don't know what to do. A job is a huge commitment and I loved my part time job during the holidays but I'm so worried about the boys. We all have asthma and Eddie needs expensive medications to keep his under control. But the boys would be subjected to all kinds of viruses that would affect their asthma. It's better to keep them home but I'm not keeping them home. We walk the malls and go to activities. I would be missing out on walks and activities. On the other hand I would have money for Mom's night out everytime it comes up. Plus the crafting playgroup, where would I fit that in? WAAAAHHHHHHH, I'm going to bed after I throw up. (nothing contagious)

I don't want to work. However I realize that we need health insurance. We cannot afford insurance on only Eddie's pay. Eddie's boss would never provide it for Eddie. If she did I wouldn't worry about getting any for myself. The hardest part of putting them in Daycare is the regulations regarding illnesses. The boys have high fevers and diarhhea when teething and that could keep them home. Eddie's boss has made it clear he can't miss days because of the children. It would keep me home. I have a lead on a nanny. If she is willing to take minimum wage that would leave half a paycheck for me. I should go back to work for Eddie's health. He needs those medications. We had been getting sample inhalers from everywhere but they no longer give those samples out. He needs those inhalers otherwise he has been using the boys nebulizer meds.

I couldn't make Eddie quit his job. I've asked him about once a year to look for another job. He can't find anything he's willing to do for the pay he gets at the frame shop. Until the U.S. or Oklahoma gets proactive about getting healthcare for every citizen I'll just have to work.

I have been busy answering the phone today. It seems every staffing company in the area has been looking at my resume on Monster. That's how I got the job at Hemphill. Now I'm hoping I'll find something better with insurance. If not I can afford on my own it if Rose comes through.

I was so mortified

2005-02-23T18:07:00.000-08:00

I went to meet a few of the Metro Tulsa Mom's at a library for preschool story time. They have these vinyl covered things designed for the kids to sit and climb on. The kids had been taking turns crawling across them until one little girl perched on the highest place and wouldn't budge. She sat down to read a book. G-man proceeded to try to squeeze past her and pushed her off. I got to them just in time to catch her and him. Her mom stabilized her but I couldn't get G-man off of the spot without knocking her off again. So I grabbed him by the shirt and and extracted him safely. I warned him if he wasn't nice and take turns then I would make him leave. Then he and Jack were running. Jack's mom and I both warned them to stop. The 2nd time I told G-man we were leaving. He ran off. He knocked over a book rolly thing and a little old lady. After a 5 minute chase I drug him back to my purse and the video he wanted to check out. I ceremoniously put the video back and took the little hood out to the atrium to dress them. I couldn't get Tiger to be still to put his outerwear on. G-man was kicking and screaming cuss words. Finally I got them bundled up and took them to the car. I had to drag G-man half way across the parking lot we lost both of his shoes when he just went limp and refused to budge. I couldn't pick him up with Tiger in my arms. I have totally failed as a mother to this boy. I cried all the way home as he continued to kick my seat and scream.