I should have never watched Buffalo Girls alone
I should have never watched Buffalo Girls alone. Well Eddie went to bed and we had watched the last half together. I was trying to catch up. The part where Calamity Jane gives her baby Jane away brought heart wrenching flashbacks. I can see him taking Jr. away. Taking the boxes I packed and the car seat. If he had put Jr. in that car seat I would have crashed into that damned car so hard it would have snapped his and his mother’s necks. I tell myself Jr. would have been protected and I could have gotten away with him.
Why didn’t I? That’s the question, with all kinds of endings. Rip up those papers, leave town with Jr. and never come back, get a lawyer, forget to sign those paternity papers, tell him I had a miscarriage and break up with him. Why didn’t I just keep him one weekend? I always thought things would work out. I wouldn’t have to wonder if the young boy with glasses in the next car was him. I can imagine what he looks like. But I missed those crucial years. Every day I can see what it might have been like with Jr. In G-man’s face I can hope Jr. had the smiles of mischief and joy. God I love my boys all 3 of them.
I do my best to make up for the bad days. This week was bad, Tiger was so sick. He needed to be held. I needed to be let go of. I was hurting so badly. I feel worse now. My chest is awful. Luckily Tiger feels better. G-man didn’t have it nearly as badly. It could be Whooping Cough. My shots and lungs aren’t as powerful as G-man’s. Tiger hasn’t had all his shots so I do worry that my precious, gracious gift of God will be taken away. He’s making up for the sleepless nights with better naps today.
It's 76 degrees outside. I think of the gorgeous weather and think man, there should be a touch football game in the yard. Jr. and his friend’s talking about girls, eating sandwiches and drinking pop between plays. Jr. I miss you. The boys remind me of you every day. Tiger walked as early as you did. They both call me bad-a, but Tiger called me mem, just like you. G-man tells me I’m not the boss just like you did. Only Grandma Della isn’t there to egg him on. She was the boss for us. G-man has grander ideas; he’s the boss. Oh you two would be great buddies. I love you son. Keep your pecker in your pants.
posted by Debbysewn @ 3:29 PM
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