Living on West Tulsa Time

I feel rejected today no one came to my party.

I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I made a lot of efforts to make friends with the gals at Metro Tulsa Moms on a yahoo group. I just wasn’t getting anywhere. There must be something deficient in me. It’s the same way at church. I keep opening myself up to this and I keep getting rejected. I just don’t understand.
I can analyze this until the coming of Christ and I just don’t get it. So I’ll break it down. I joined this group on yahoo. A great group lively emails and activities. I didn’t often get replies or feedback to my posts. So I opened myself up some more and attend an event I can afford. Okay I blew it by causing Trisha and myself to be an hour late but I really tried. But it’s like I didn’t connect with Trisha, Jessica or Jamie. What the hell did I do wrong? Then I met Carrie. We didn’t connect either. I thought at Becky’s party I’d at least connect with someone. I tried to speak to everyone. But I never felt like I was truly part of any conversation. When I left I felt like crying. I just don’t belong anywhere. I kept a positive attitude and thought that today might be different. I wanted this so badly. I’m 34 and I have no friends. Those that have known me find it easy to just let me walk away. No one showed today. I planned a special activity for every possible age group. I spent money, and fretted over not being good enough. I feel like it was confirmed---I am not good enough. All I wanted was one person to acknowledge that I was actually a person worthy of getting to know. That my house with the gum and burn marks on the carpet was okay.
I sit here. Alone. Thinking about the baby shower my husband threw for me cause no one else would. My own sister decided to put me in jail rather than see me happy in my life. My mom would rather have sex with strangers than sit and talk to me. I’m so lonely. What do I have to do? How will I teach my boys to be human when I’m not human myself?
I’m so angry. I’m yelling at the boys. Handling Tiger roughly. I just want to lash out at those women. Make them understand how they have hurt me. Instead I internalize it or turn it against the boys. I hate myself. I’m not adult enough to treat my children like the precious gems they are. I treat them better when I’m around other loving mothers. But afterward I feel two faced. That’s not how I was brought up. My mother was never caring and nurturing toward me that I remember. And when they say that all the kids will remember is the bad stuff it’s true. So I’ve tried my hardest to over shadow the bad with good but it’s not working. I guess that’s why I let Jeffy go so he wouldn’t have to live the last 13 years with a monster. I had hoped to learn from other mom’s what I can’t learn from books. Teach me to be a loving compassionate woman that nurtures her kids not the monster that screams at them all day long. But without them I would be very much alone today. Counting down the minutes until Eddie comes home and makes me feel whole again.
Okay, I’m a Christian woman. I know my worth to God and Christ. I know my mission is to raise God fearing and God loving children. But I feel like I’m letting Him down. I have no one to witness to other than my kids and I’m not doing God’s work there either because I’m a monster. A horrible, yelling, swearing, shoving, spanking monster. Even when I read the book I just lose it. Cause I’m always hiding the monster. It’s so exhausting.
So I quit the groups. I forgive them they didn’t realize what this meant to me. I just didn’t want to ruin their experience with the bitterness. I didn’t want them to feel awkward toward me. Half my life is over. I’ve lived this long without friends I can survive the other half cause I have Christ in my heart. I don’t need the things of this world. I’m still depressed but God will forgive my depression and one day my kids will understand, I pray.

posted by Debbysewn @ 11:17 AM