Living on West Tulsa Time

I let myself get upset again

So I thought I would post it.

I wrote my family on Friday cause I went into Jeffy's store to buy tea. I tried to do it before Jeffy would be at work but I didn't make it. I told G-man that Jeffy might be there and to try not to get upset if we didn't see him. So I bought my tea and left.

Well later on my mother wants to know what type of tea so she can "supply" me with it if another chain closer to her carries it and I won't have to go into Jeffy's store. I thought, Mother, I can go in there every other week and Sr. will just have to get over it. Honestly, I'm beginning to doubt that it's even being made anymore and once this store is out I'm just going to have to start ordering it online. Then she tells me that she goes into Jeffy's store all the time and that Jeffy sees her. So does my sister. They have normal conversations with him as if they were any other customers. They just didn't tell me cause they didn't want me having panic attacks about it or telling Sr. that Jeffy has been keeping secrets.

So what am I doing, getting mad. First, why would they keep this from me? I share openly and honestly about my kids and what information I learn about him. Why do they always have to keep secrets from me? And when I'm feeling the worst about myself and my relationship with Jeffy, why do they say these things? It's like they always say so sorry you didn't get to see, talk to or hug him but I got to do this that or the other and since I'm not you I got away with it. I get to see him every year, you don't ::nanny nanny boo boo:: What other motivation would they have?

Okay they could be lying. BiPolar patients tend to live beyond reality. I know I have many times. And when I'm sharing they find any plausible excuse to cut me to the core to make themselves feel better. This has happened all my life, why should now be any different?

I was just starting to trust them again and I find out that they are either keeping secrets or lying. This triggers my own problems. I'm so filled with BiPolar related ??? that what every this is I can't think of the name for it. When a person feels like everyone is out to get them or in my case they're out to make sure I look like the uncaring unfeeling baby abandoning person they thought I was in 1992. What is that term? I can't think straight


sooooooo I AM having a panic attack. No it's a RAGE attack and it's been going on since Friday. I thought it was just PMS, mixed with a migraine but this has been going on since that email from my mother.

I ripped into Eddie on Saturday cause he didn't follow the schedule. Most of the time I can go with the flow but I've been off schedule since Friday and I'm scrambling to get back on it so I can regain control. It's been awful. I've been saying terrible stuff to him and the boys. Things that I don't mean the way they are coming out and when I feel remorse for it even that feels insincere. I honestly muttered the phrase that I felt like killing myself. This has pushed me that close to the edge.

So I'm fighting to reel myself in again. Putting this here helps. I still don't know the truth. In my heart I think that Jeffy wants to know me but he's too scared of offending his father and those others in his family. I don't know what to do to bring him out of that. I don't think I can do it. I'm just so Paranoid (there's the phrase I was looking for) that he's been lied to and I won't ever get to defend myself.

I love him so much and I had hoped that this would all be different. I don't have anyone to share this with.

I should have never signed those papers.

posted by Debbysewn @ 3:22 PM