I'm so sick
Oh, my lungs. Some how we caught a chest cold and after Eddie moped around here for almost a week I caught it. The chills he had last night has hit me. I guess this is the time I should actually get dressed. My jammies, shorts and t-shirt, aren't very warm according to the goose bumps on my legs.
The boys need to be in bed so I can crochet. Oh but Penny should be on Ym. I think I'll put the brats to bed later. As long as G-man doesn't run over my foot with the rc car they are allowed to stay up.
I had something I wanted to say but I'm too sick to remember.
Oh we bought a house. I can't wait until we can move in. Ugh, moving. I need a job so I can pay movers!!!!!
I feel rejected today no one came to my party.
I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I made a lot of efforts to make friends with the gals at Metro Tulsa Moms on a yahoo group. I just wasn’t getting anywhere. There must be something deficient in me. It’s the same way at church. I keep opening myself up to this and I keep getting rejected. I just don’t understand.
I can analyze this until the coming of Christ and I just don’t get it. So I’ll break it down. I joined this group on yahoo. A great group lively emails and activities. I didn’t often get replies or feedback to my posts. So I opened myself up some more and attend an event I can afford. Okay I blew it by causing Trisha and myself to be an hour late but I really tried. But it’s like I didn’t connect with Trisha, Jessica or Jamie. What the hell did I do wrong? Then I met Carrie. We didn’t connect either. I thought at Becky’s party I’d at least connect with someone. I tried to speak to everyone. But I never felt like I was truly part of any conversation. When I left I felt like crying. I just don’t belong anywhere. I kept a positive attitude and thought that today might be different. I wanted this so badly. I’m 34 and I have no friends. Those that have known me find it easy to just let me walk away. No one showed today. I planned a special activity for every possible age group. I spent money, and fretted over not being good enough. I feel like it was confirmed---I am not good enough. All I wanted was one person to acknowledge that I was actually a person worthy of getting to know. That my house with the gum and burn marks on the carpet was okay.
I sit here. Alone. Thinking about the baby shower my husband threw for me cause no one else would. My own sister decided to put me in jail rather than see me happy in my life. My mom would rather have sex with strangers than sit and talk to me. I’m so lonely. What do I have to do? How will I teach my boys to be human when I’m not human myself?
I’m so angry. I’m yelling at the boys. Handling Tiger roughly. I just want to lash out at those women. Make them understand how they have hurt me. Instead I internalize it or turn it against the boys. I hate myself. I’m not adult enough to treat my children like the precious gems they are. I treat them better when I’m around other loving mothers. But afterward I feel two faced. That’s not how I was brought up. My mother was never caring and nurturing toward me that I remember. And when they say that all the kids will remember is the bad stuff it’s true. So I’ve tried my hardest to over shadow the bad with good but it’s not working. I guess that’s why I let Jeffy go so he wouldn’t have to live the last 13 years with a monster. I had hoped to learn from other mom’s what I can’t learn from books. Teach me to be a loving compassionate woman that nurtures her kids not the monster that screams at them all day long. But without them I would be very much alone today. Counting down the minutes until Eddie comes home and makes me feel whole again.
Okay, I’m a Christian woman. I know my worth to God and Christ. I know my mission is to raise God fearing and God loving children. But I feel like I’m letting Him down. I have no one to witness to other than my kids and I’m not doing God’s work there either because I’m a monster. A horrible, yelling, swearing, shoving, spanking monster. Even when I read the book I just lose it. Cause I’m always hiding the monster. It’s so exhausting.
So I quit the groups. I forgive them they didn’t realize what this meant to me. I just didn’t want to ruin their experience with the bitterness. I didn’t want them to feel awkward toward me. Half my life is over. I’ve lived this long without friends I can survive the other half cause I have Christ in my heart. I don’t need the things of this world. I’m still depressed but God will forgive my depression and one day my kids will understand, I pray.
Job Hunting
I have an interview with the Tulsa World tomorrow to be a receptionist. I only need to find a job to get health insurance and have money to blow for extras. I just don't know what to do. A job is a huge commitment and I loved my part time job during the holidays but I'm so worried about the boys. We all have asthma and Eddie needs expensive medications to keep his under control. But the boys would be subjected to all kinds of viruses that would affect their asthma. It's better to keep them home but I'm not keeping them home. We walk the malls and go to activities. I would be missing out on walks and activities. On the other hand I would have money for Mom's night out everytime it comes up. Plus the crafting playgroup, where would I fit that in? WAAAAHHHHHHH, I'm going to bed after I throw up. (nothing contagious)
I don't want to work. However I realize that we need health insurance. We cannot afford insurance on only Eddie's pay. Eddie's boss would never provide it for Eddie. If she did I wouldn't worry about getting any for myself. The hardest part of putting them in Daycare is the regulations regarding illnesses. The boys have high fevers and diarhhea when teething and that could keep them home. Eddie's boss has made it clear he can't miss days because of the children. It would keep me home. I have a lead on a nanny. If she is willing to take minimum wage that would leave half a paycheck for me. I should go back to work for Eddie's health. He needs those medications. We had been getting sample inhalers from everywhere but they no longer give those samples out. He needs those inhalers otherwise he has been using the boys nebulizer meds.
I couldn't make Eddie quit his job. I've asked him about once a year to look for another job. He can't find anything he's willing to do for the pay he gets at the frame shop. Until the U.S. or Oklahoma gets proactive about getting healthcare for every citizen I'll just have to work.
I have been busy answering the phone today. It seems every staffing company in the area has been looking at my resume on Monster. That's how I got the job at Hemphill. Now I'm hoping I'll find something better with insurance. If not I can afford on my own it if Rose comes through.
