I was so mortified
I went to meet a few of the Metro Tulsa Mom's at a library for preschool story time. They have these vinyl covered things designed for the kids to sit and climb on. The kids had been taking turns crawling across them until one little girl perched on the highest place and wouldn't budge. She sat down to read a book. G-man proceeded to try to squeeze past her and pushed her off. I got to them just in time to catch her and him. Her mom stabilized her but I couldn't get G-man off of the spot without knocking her off again. So I grabbed him by the shirt and and extracted him safely. I warned him if he wasn't nice and take turns then I would make him leave. Then he and Jack were running. Jack's mom and I both warned them to stop. The 2nd time I told G-man we were leaving. He ran off. He knocked over a book rolly thing and a little old lady. After a 5 minute chase I drug him back to my purse and the video he wanted to check out. I ceremoniously put the video back and took the little hood out to the atrium to dress them. I couldn't get Tiger to be still to put his outerwear on. G-man was kicking and screaming cuss words. Finally I got them bundled up and took them to the car. I had to drag G-man half way across the parking lot we lost both of his shoes when he just went limp and refused to budge. I couldn't pick him up with Tiger in my arms. I have totally failed as a mother to this boy. I cried all the way home as he continued to kick my seat and scream.
Ladies Meeting
I felt really badly last night when I realized how much older the women were. There's at lease a decade between me and them. I just wanted a group of friends my age. I either find them in their 20's or 40's. All of my classmates never contact me. That's my fault I guess. The general concensus in Sand Springs is either I was a loser for having Jr. then marrying his dad, or divorcing his dad and losing Jr. in the divorce.
It's sad. No one knew the hell my life was. I keep having flashbacks to that horrible night in Kentucky when my colon was ruptured. Last night my nightmares carried both that night and the last Labor Day weekend we had as that family. The horrific pain of the miscarriage. Seeing Jr.'s face when he climbed in the bed and ended up in a pool of blood. The mixture of his vomit and the babies. Oh how I wish I had had Eddie's support then. Jr. would have never seen the mess. I've scarred him for life and I couldn't stop him from getting up there.
I should have never watched Buffalo Girls alone
I should have never watched Buffalo Girls alone. Well Eddie went to bed and we had watched the last half together. I was trying to catch up. The part where Calamity Jane gives her baby Jane away brought heart wrenching flashbacks. I can see him taking Jr. away. Taking the boxes I packed and the car seat. If he had put Jr. in that car seat I would have crashed into that damned car so hard it would have snapped his and his mother’s necks. I tell myself Jr. would have been protected and I could have gotten away with him.
Why didn’t I? That’s the question, with all kinds of endings. Rip up those papers, leave town with Jr. and never come back, get a lawyer, forget to sign those paternity papers, tell him I had a miscarriage and break up with him. Why didn’t I just keep him one weekend? I always thought things would work out. I wouldn’t have to wonder if the young boy with glasses in the next car was him. I can imagine what he looks like. But I missed those crucial years. Every day I can see what it might have been like with Jr. In G-man’s face I can hope Jr. had the smiles of mischief and joy. God I love my boys all 3 of them.
I do my best to make up for the bad days. This week was bad, Tiger was so sick. He needed to be held. I needed to be let go of. I was hurting so badly. I feel worse now. My chest is awful. Luckily Tiger feels better. G-man didn’t have it nearly as badly. It could be Whooping Cough. My shots and lungs aren’t as powerful as G-man’s. Tiger hasn’t had all his shots so I do worry that my precious, gracious gift of God will be taken away. He’s making up for the sleepless nights with better naps today.
It's 76 degrees outside. I think of the gorgeous weather and think man, there should be a touch football game in the yard. Jr. and his friend’s talking about girls, eating sandwiches and drinking pop between plays. Jr. I miss you. The boys remind me of you every day. Tiger walked as early as you did. They both call me bad-a, but Tiger called me mem, just like you. G-man tells me I’m not the boss just like you did. Only Grandma Della isn’t there to egg him on. She was the boss for us. G-man has grander ideas; he’s the boss. Oh you two would be great buddies. I love you son. Keep your pecker in your pants.
I overcame a demonlast night
I ran across an old lover. He once broke off all contact because our bc failed and I was pregnant with his baby. I was horribly sick and looked awful, standing in the grocery store line getting medicine, tea and coffee. The feelings, those heart stopping, uterus flipping, knees melting feelings weren't there. It wasn't just because I was sick. My husband's face and gentle ways popped into my head. I felt calm and protected. I was so happy when I walked away. I had to speed home and hug my husband. There he was in the soft light of a low wattage bulb. The sleeping baby draped over his left arm. He was sharing knock knock jokes with our older son.
He's such a good father and husband. I'm a real witch to them sometimes. Whatever I did to deserve them, I hope I can continue to do it.
These poor kids. They're coughing and snot nosed. The baby is so sick. He's also hungry. It is after all 11 and time for that bottle.
My Dreams Dashed AGAIN
I just found out that despite the IRS saying Eddie's back taxes were paid in full last year, he still owes them $6300 for 1995. He was still married to that cow then and she owes half of this money. We've been paying these back tax years off for 7 years. I'm just so sick of it. I need a full time job. It has been suggested that Eddie pick up a 2nd job. Eddie can't make more money with a 2nd job than I can with a daytime one. The boys can't survive without him. I am not going to let him work 12-14 hours a day with no health insurance when I can get insurance and pay for daycare and still bring home what a 2nd job would. I just wanted to stay home and do nothing like his ex wife did/does. OOOOO I hate her. I've put off my education, my plans and the boy's stability for that bitch for so long. It's been 7 years when will I get what I want? When is it my turn? If it were my child support I wouldn't be this upset. These garnishments and liens have kept me from paying my chid support. I haven't put anything aside for Jeffy's education or his adulthood.
Today I'm 34. The baby is crying himself to sleep and it's so hard to let him make this transistion. I want his life to be so much better. I know that means he needs great amounts of quality time with us, like G-man had. I even thought of having another baby to give us a bigger tax return next year. But I know it might kill me and I'm spread too thin as it is. I guess I'm going to have to rescue him from his bed instead of sitting here feeling guilty.
