I'm so dissappointed
I missed a call on my cell phone from a local but unfamiliar cell phone number. Since Eddie made contact with Jeffy last week my heart swelled with hope. This morning I recieved another call from the same number. I answered it and obviously the caller thought I was someone else of the same name. It was our old realtor. I told her who I was and that we had bought a house through our old property manager. She was apologetic and quickly disconnected. She's as abusive as Jeff so I'm lucky to come out unscathed.
Now I feel let down. I'm not keeping to my agreements, today. I'm so tired and not breathing well. I'm sure that my lingering illness is complicated by my depression. It's stifling. I can't communicate or think straight. Some day soon I'll be back on track. I think I'll turn the boys out after naptime. I'll have to move the ashes bucket but other than that I think the boys will be safe and have fun.
I'm going to check in at Chit Chat Corner now.
oh my head
My head is killing me. Nothing is working to lessen the pain. I think the depression is making it worse. I'm feeling very limited by my lungs today. A simple walk to the bathroom causes shortness of breath and coughing.
I don't know what to do. I need a job and I'm not finding one that will cover the expenses. I can't cover daycare and child support for less than what I am asking. Gee I just feel like a failure today. Jeffy is over there on the other side of the river and I sit here paralyzed with sadness and fear. I called to get help today. As usual they need money that we don't have.
what am I going to do?
nightmares
Eddie did a great thing, I will swear that until my dying day. He could never have know how one phone call can rip open old wounds. He does know how these things fester in my mind. He saw it when I was pregnant with G-man. Jeff had cut us off back then and I mainly slept out of shear emotional exhaustion. I worried about Jeffy and I worried about G-man. I found the letter I wrote just before G-man was born. Telling Jeff to give me an address of where to send money. He never answered. I lost all hope. Then we moved and the worry was on....
I've had so many losses. I'm going to get upset again. So if I focus on the good stuff like he's still in school and still alive then I can make it through the night.
Say my prayers and go to sleep? not likely to happen.
Whew this cough is going to kill me.
I had a thought in the shower. Jeff said Eddie had no right to approach Jeffy. I thought “right’s, this isn’t about rights it’s about being a decent human being." But of course Jeff has never been decent. He learned to manipulate people from the masters. However I won’t be manipulated.
Oh I’m not going worry about this. See people do change, other wise Bill couldn’t go from being a stoner to a youth minister. How come everyone else gets to evolve but I’m always going to be portrayed as a nasty little teen age whore? Good thing Eddie loves me anyway and so do my boys.
Well the call came
Happy Birthday ah#2
It was Jeff Sr. He proceeded to try to rip me a new one. He asked why Ed spoke to Jeffy. I told him that Ed wanted to try to clear up things and get us back to the way it was 6 years ago so that I would stop walking around with a broken heart. He told me that wasn’t going to happen. No judge in the universe would ever allow me to see my son. He said that Jeffy didn’t want to see me. That only under extreme care of a psychiatrist should I ever be allowed to see him. Then he restated that no judge would allow that cause of all the child support I owe. I told him was aware of the general amount he was owed and that I still have every intention to pay those funds. He asked how much I thought I owed. I told him about 18K and he quoted me a sum of around 30K I corrected him. At only 100+ a month my child support would only me about 12K for what I hadn’t paid. He told me that my child support was nearly $200. I told him that he had suggested raising my child support and that if he ever did it I was never served with the new court order and my court order said only 100+. I also said that child support and visitation do not go hand in hand. But it was okay if Jeffy didn’t come to me this year and that Jeff could continue to poison his mind against me. Jeffy would be an adult in a year and that Jeff sr would have no say after that. He wanted to know why I would suggest he was poisoning Jeffy against me. I told him that he uses this as an occasion to continually abuse me. Keep me under his thumb, but I wasn’t going to live that way. I lived here I shopped here and I was bound to run into them eventually. We don’t even shop there. This was just a fluke. I wasn’t going to let this limit my life. I would be here when Jeffy made the move. Eddie approached Jeffy not sr. To make peace and avoid the nastiness that comes with dealing with Sr. We talked about when we saw Jeffy last. Sr. said that was a mistake. He told me that Ed had no right to approach Jeffy. Eddie was violating a court order. I told him there wasn’t a court order against Eddie. When he suggested he get one I told him to do what he pleased cause eventually my son would know me. He would seek me out. I would be here to be found. I said I’ll tell you what, when I get a job and I get insurance I’ll seek our psychological evaluation. If that professional says that I need to be supervised then I’ll follow that plan of reconciliation., but I would not let Jeff keep power over me by abusing me. I would avoid Jeff Sr. at all costs. Good night and have a good weekend.
There are things I wish I would have said and things that I did say that meant I broke an agreement. I took it all personally. My love for Jeffy is out there. He can’t deny it. It’s fueled me some days. It’s lived in my heart and sometimes my imagination. If this brings about legal action., even child support court then so be it. I’ve hidden in the pain for way too long. I’m going to live. I will be cautious but I will live. I don’t think a judge would ever grant a po for things that were alleged 12 years ago. I really don’t care. Jeffy will have to renew it when he turns 18 and I don’t think that will ever happen.
I almost fell to crying bits when I hung up. I got loud but G-man was going to bed and Tiger was asleep so hopefully they won’t ever feel the effects of this. Well okay I’m going to be grumpy tomorrow cause my BiPolar will never let this go tonight. I’ll be okay. I shouldn’t shut Eddie out right now I should be in bed but I knew putting this in digital form would help me.
God Bless My sons. I love them all and always will
Jeffrey
I know you expected me to come up there tonight. I'm sure you watched the door. Maybe you even called your dad and he came up to watch the door. I never showed because I didn't want to infect you. I have some nasty bronchial crud. Baby Tiger has had it for a long time now and I just can't seem to get rid of it.
What a scene it would have been if I had. I would have been crying so much that I probably would have passed out after an asthma attack, hyperventalating and/or choking on extra crying induced mucus. How's that for TMI?
Eddie fulfilled my dream tonight. You made that dream come true even more so by taking that business card. I have no expectations. I would like to have them but I was so hurt 6 years ago. You were only 11. Now you are a man, I'm going to start crying again.
I made some provisions tonight. I told the family. We're so close yet so explosive that I didn't want to give them the actual location of your work. My mother is tenacious. She's also swinging through her bipolar dangerzones and I want to protect you from that as much as possible. You have to be very strong and very well armed to deal with her.
Of course Grandma didn't live to see this day. I'm sure she did see it. That's just my beliefs. Man she loved you more than anyone on this earth.
oh Gee these Albuterol shakes make it hard to type.
I have so much I want to tell you. You've been so much a part of my life that G-man thinks you are an imaginary friend. Of course in his mind you're only 5 cause that's how old he will be on their birthday. It's so hard to hear him talk to Jeffy. I know he sees you. The you he knows from the photos. I have one of you at 5. I compare him to all the missing memories of you. I shouldn't do that but I always have. Cause I let him down like I let you down. During your 4th year I wasn't there. I'm so sorry. Post Partum depression really ripped me up and left big chasms where our relationships should be.
Little bit, I love you, I alway have and I always will.
Eddie made me the luckiest wife on Earth today
He caught him at work. Eddie went to pay a bill and spotted him. Eddie waited until Jeffy was finished with his assignment and reintroduced himself. He gave Jeffy my phone numbers. Eddie told him we had been trying to make contact. Trying to track him down. It was not him that I saw at the library that day. Eddie had seen him this summer but he couldn't read his name tag.
Apparently the little stringbean I have pictures of doesn't apply anymore. He's over 6 feet tall. Eddie had to look up at him. He has put on some weight. Eddie says he looks just like me.
I'm going to cry. Jeffy did say that he's going to talk to his dad before he calls me. I'm not going to break my agreements with myself and get worried that no contact means something bad.
I think I need to go to bed now.
Chicken noodle soup day
Daily Journal — that recipe for Hearty Chicken Noodle Soup from America's Test Kitchen took a lot longer than I expected and wasn't quite what I bought for. I should have pulled the recipe from the website. It was fun and very good despite the hard work.
Gratitude —
CCC
Eddie
my cook book
food in the fridge
tv
I did so much cooking today that I'm too wiped out to exercise
I miss cooking at my grandma's house. I just miss her so much She died this summer and it still hits me that I can't go see her.
I can't get rid of this cough.
new years resolution
I need to journal for 3 things a day and I hate going to 2 different places to do it so I need to resolve to only journal in one place. I don't want to do it on a computer file cause they tend to be over looked. I need to pay attention to this sight and Chit Chat Corner. I don't really have a place on CCC to do it but this site is linked in my signature so hopefully I'll do everything throught there. Starting today.
