it's been 4 weeks or so
since my last midnight panic attack. That sounds good. Honeslty a panic attack didn't wake me up. I awoke to a strange noise. Then my tummy started bothering me and in an attempt to eliminate the GERD I started thinking and the panic attack happened. I was thinking about Jeffy. I don't remember dreaming about him but I was thinking about his final year in school, then college. I was praying that he actually went to college and schemeing about how I was going to help when it hit.
My biggest trigger is money. The lack of it to be precise. I thought about how I was going to start putting money away for each of the boys and still put food on the table. I know I should cut back on a few easy meals and just put in the effort to cook the unprocessed chicken and turkey but I don't wanna. The garden will help.
OHhhh I need to look up how to store the potatoes. Some of the purple potatoes are already drying up and looking wrinkled. The yellow ones look good so maybe I should separate the 2 kinds.
After drinking some milk I feel better as far as my tummy goes but I'm still in panic pain. I should take something for that and go back to bed.
Bye Jeff, the neighbor just fired up his Harley and left for work. I wonder if that is why Tiger awakens at this time some mornings? Probably, although we wouldn't hear him in our windowless bedroom.
hmmm, going back to bed now.
Our Anniversary
Didn't go as planned. I couldn't find the present Eddie requested despite hauling the boys in and out of nearly every business in Sand Springs. I did get all the Father's day presents. Bungie cords, clippers and a tool belt. I sent him on a treasure hunt for them. I ended up going out buy my own presents, too.
That morning I went out and rented a pump to empty the pool. Rented some dvd's and well came home to a normal goof off day. We watched the video's and fought with the boys. Tiger was in a good mood, GW was in a bad one. We checked on the pool off and on but it only emptied about half of what we needed it to. darn
So much for Anniversary #8. Next year I will plan better.
Oh ho hum
I got the Monday blues.
I have spareribs in the oven. It's Eddie's day to cook but he was outside when they needed rubbing resting and then placing in the oven. I knew that I would have to attend the ribs while he was out taking Gerald to group. Eddie didn't get much done outside except let the boys play in the sprinklers.
Shane is actually taking a nap. He hasn't actually taken a nap since Friday. I had hoped that he would actually sleep since he didn't sleep well last night. oops he's awake.
Any way there's nothing on TV and I'm bored with my book. Shane's mad at me and I just dont' have anything to do now.
la, la, la, la, ....... I wish I had taken a nap
That man of mine
He decided to pick a fight yesterday evening with a black woman in the parking lot at Albertsons. He was justified to a point, she hit G-man with her car. She had one of those long nosed cars that takes up half the sidewalk when her tires hit the curb. G-man was walking past her spot when she let her car slide all the way into her spot. Her car touched him and it spooked him but he wasn't hurt. He was lucky cause he could have been caught between her car and the shopping carts lining the wall. I was pissed but for the sake of my boys I kept my thoughts to myself. I did tell Eddie she did it on purpose as I checked G-man’s leg for bumps, bruises or scrapes. Once the boys were completely strapped in but Eddie wasn’t completely in the car he called her a very nasty name. I was shocked that he would use that language in front of the boys. Then I told him to just start the truck and pull out. She couldn’t retort to him she had to address her insult at my weight. Okay I didn’t hold my tongue after that but I also kept it clean telling her that there was enough cellulite hanging out of her clothes that she was well on her way to being my size herself. She couldn’t think of anything more than repeating her original phrase. Eddie slowly pulled out of our spot and kept calling her names and telling her she was lucky G-man wasn’t hurt. While I was telling him to drive away and pushing on his shoulder to get him to comply.
Once we had finally left the parking lot I told him off. I was upset that she touched G-man with the car but it was Eddie’s fault. That snapped him out of the name calling and cussing streak he was on. So I gave him the rules of engagement as I learned them.
He should have started the truck pulled out then called her a name and pulled away so he wouldn’t have to hear her reply.
He should have done this with speed and agility while avoiding contact with her and her car.
Okay I know he should have never done it and I shouldn’t have corrected him the way I did but G-man should have never been running ahead of us like he was. Eddie’s job is to be the buffer between traffic or harm and the kids. I had the groceries and I was like 5 steps behind Eddie.
The other thing I thought of was that we should have waited to see her leaving the babies she had in her car alone then called the cops. I knew that was what she was doing until Eddie called her a name. When he did that her instinct was to come back to my side of the truck and try to attack me physically. Leaving her vulnerable to being hit by the truck as we backed out. Geesh where were their brains?
I just kept telling Eddie the things he should have done. I’m a pro at those things after having 2 other husbands with the same diarrhea of the mouth that Eddie developed yesterday.
Fast Search
Eddie and I sat a the kitchen table trying to decide what bills to pay and which ones to skip so we could feed the boys this pay period. Eddie said that we had to pay the electric and when mother arrived we would drive out there. Mother arrived and was very surly for having to babysit for free again. I was crying cause she didn't care to be with the boys unless getting paid for it. Eddie said that she had agreed to do this months before money got so tight and he was holding her to the bargain and we left.
I felt bad leaving the boys but I needed the break. I wasn't eating or sleeping. My IBS was worse and so was the pains that eminated from everywhere. The diet had done wonders for my weight and Eddie's but nothing for my thought patterns. As we drove the 45 miles to the electric compnay office I continued to cry. Eddie was concentrating on the road, listening to a book on tape in the cassette deck. He glances at me every once in a while, laid his hand on my shoulder once. It was so nice to be consoled when he thinks of it. There was a time that I would make this drive twice a day. I loved the view of the lake's halves. I hated driving over the bridge but I loved the hills that formed a natural basin. I felt the tightness in my chest lessen a little bit.
We drove past the old electric company office. It was fire damaged shell with the wreckage of exploded vehicles in the fenced in security area. A sign says that the new management has moved to a location in town. I thought that location address was familiar to me but I hadn't lived in Cleveland in 10 years and with my memory fading like my weight I couldn't be sure. We arrived in the small town to see a lot of changes. The address was exactly where I thought it was. Inside the former library was the new electric company. We went into a reception area packed with people waiting their turn to make payments and payment arrangements while office doors with windows remained closed and empty of clients. Employees kept their heads down while talking on phones are concentrating on their computer screens. I sat to wait as Eddie spoke to the receptionist. He stood at the desk as she left it to consult with someone in the inner sanctum. I needed to go, again. I wandered the halls looking for a bathroom. I came across bedrooms and living areas in the office. I thought times must be hard every where when employees or owners lived where they worked. Eddie was finished making the payment when I returned. We had been in the office for 45 minutes most of that time I was suffering in the bathroom. Stepping out the door and walking past the other cars we found out truck sitting on the ground. The wheels were missing. I was dumfounded. The tires weren't new when we bought the truck 3 years ago. The wheels weren't worth anything but they were missing. We didn't even have the money to replace them or the carseats that were stolen in the last two weeks. The theives hadn't stolen our extra tool box and jack yet but they were worthless in a truck without tires. I thought about calling mother to come get us but she couldn't just strap the boys in her car and we didn't have new car seats yet. I noticed a compressed air hose stretched from the garage next door and point it out to Eddie. He follows it to the door and through the window he sees our tires. They are unmistakable cause Shane had written on them in paint pen the previous day. On a shelf is my tool box which had also been "tagged" by the kids on a seperate occasion with the paint pen. Lying on the floor is my jack and jack case.
Eddie said to call the police as he pounds on every door on the building. I do and get a recording saying that the officers are on a call. I use the 911 service on my next call and I hear a voice echoing through the ally and my phone. Eddie is talking to the same people I am in a room at the back of the electric company. He uses another door in that room to gain entrance to the garage, lifts the door and hands me the lesser two of the four carseats we had for the boys. He also hands me a bill for the last truck repair. The check Eddie had wrote for that repair had bounced been forwarded to the Tulsa County District Attorney and been paid leaving us in financial straits. Settling the debt hadn't satisfied someone. I reinstalled the seats took a picture with my camera phone, stuck it in my breast pocket and went back for tires. After I snapped more pictures in the garage I realized Eddie was missing. I searched the grounds and a van peeled out of the back parking lot. I shook locked doors in a panic. I pulled out my phone and dialed a number I knew from heart.
Don answered me quickly, recognizing my caller id he simply said the yard wasn't in need of anymore work until next weekend. I told him I had a bigger problem. Explaining what had happened he said he would send a car for me and 2 more to investigate. Ten minutes later 2 unmarked FBI cars and a hypo pulled into the lot. They led me back into the now nearly deserted offices and started asking questons. A man I thought I had seen before today insisted that we all leave. "After business hours this is private property" The agents weren't going to give in. The Highway Patrol officer pulled me away. We sped down the roads back to my home. I entered the house and discovered my mother tied in her chair crying. Some one had unlocked the door entered taken the boys and left her there with the a/c off. The thermostat read 90 in the house as I turned it back on. More FBI were called and they questioned mother at the house and then escorted her home. Crime scene investigators from the sherrif's office combed the place then packed up, I was left alone in an empty house to canvase the neighorhood. I couldn't leave. I had no money Eddie had carried the last bit of his paycheck in his wallet. The money we had saved for food. I pulled a bowl out of the cabinet and walked out the back door to pick vegetables from the garden. After pulling up a few immature root crops I had enogh to fill my bowl. My allotment of food for the day. Mixing them with water and ketchup from a fast food packet I set them in the microwave to "boil" wishing I could use the stove instead but no natural gas payment equaled no stove.
Another Agent came to my door. They weren't going to leave me alone in the house. Don had called the cleaners to come over fearing I would get ill from the dust and depression. Special Agent Todd took me to Walgreen's to meet my babysitter. Her name was Callie and she and her partner would take me to another location. Her partner had his back to me but I recognized Jeffy's dad immediately. I bristled. He couldn't be an agent. Well he could be but NOOOOOOOO. Callie introduced me to my ex as I nervously giggled. Didn't the FBI know everything about me? Wait, lost in my thoughts I heard boyfriend. Callie as if reading my mind said yes you'll be staying with me and my boyfriend. I was so relieved I hugged her and him. Jeff was taken aback. I collapsed in his arms melting into a puddle of grief. They scooted me outside and into a car down the main road of our hometown to a hotel recently built leading me to a room that overlooked the neighborhood in which I grew up. I could see the school, the two churches and Grandma and Grandpa's house. I cried more leaning my head against the window.
Days went by, Callie and Kate took turns sitting with me giving me updates as to what the officers in my house noticed. They asked for information and memories. Jeff brought Jeffy to see me. Late one night while Kate was out getting some ice Jeff entered the room drunk. Callie had broken up with him that day. He thought I had told her something about his past with me. Something that might contridict his memory of events. I couldn't recall anything about him. Kate listened in the other part of the room as we talked and fought half the night. When exhaustion won it's eternal battle inside Jeff's head he fell asleep at the table. I had gone to bed and was dreaming about Eddie touching me, holding me but I awoke to Jeff man handling me out of my lower clothes. He told me not to worry he wouldn't hurt me bad enoung to need more surgery. I screamed no but he proceded to tie my hands above my head. He commented about my weight loss and the skil folds left behind. He was cruel. Kate moaned helplessly from the other bed she was tied and trussed up where she couldn't see what what going on but her ears and imagination would witness it all. I pleaded with him that no matter what precautions he took I could get pregnant again. I knew he wouldn't kill me becuause his back child support would never get paid if I were dead. He said I couldn't say the baby was his since I was soooo in love with Eddie and had an active sex life with my husband. He froze when I told him Eddie had a vastectomy so we could enjoy ourselve without putting my health in danger again and if I died there wouldnot be anymore money from my back child support. There would be no money for Jeffy's college and car. He would ruin our son's future just like he had his past. He left us then. At daybreak Callie found us. After questioning us she arranged to have Jeff arrested and brought me home. Sitting in the living room holding the boys was Eddie. They had been driven to a remote area in Montana and left there in a forrest. They had walked 2 days til they found the Frontier Valley setting for a PBS reality show. There they had rested until they were discovered by a cattle crew bringing new cows to the herd in the lower part of the valley. They had survived a week on the plants that had gone to seed after the experiment. The ranch hands sent for a chopper and they were air lifted to a Montana hospital then flown to our small airport and brought home to me. Kate and Callie with Don and another Special Agent named Leroy cooked us a meal with food donated by the community. Laying on the kitchen table were checks and money orders to pay bills as well as buy food. The total was $20K. There was a letter from an old friend saying he had our truck and he also had money to fix it up. Another letter gave us the pick of trucks at the local Ford dealership and in the garage were 4 new carseats. When we were alone that evening Eddie and I held each other as the boys lay with their heads in out laps we watched a mystery on PBS. A knock at the door brought fear to our throats and a key in the door sent us running down the hall. A fearful teen voice yelled "mom?" then Kate called down the hall that we had a house guest. Jeffy needed a parent to care for him until he turned 18 and since Jeff was in jail for his actions in the motel as well as for threatening Callie I was the next logical choice. She left us talking at the kitchen table setting ground rules and discussing visits to a lawyer and bank for the morning. Eddie brought in air matresses for Jeffy to use until we could buy him a bed then we all went to sleep.
I awoke this morning to hear the boys playing in the living room Eddie shushing them so I could rest. When I came out Eddie was at the computer and the boys were still in their pj's. They dressed and went outside to play and fight. Eddie gathered food from the garden and I sat down at the computer to put my dream into words.
Still complaining
Oh I was up much earlier this morning because Tiger insists that he gets to get up at 6 now. I allowed them to watch a video on the couch until Tiger started kicking me and pushing me away with his feet. That doesn't feel good on a hip that needs to be replaced. He didn't like it when I put him in his play pen instead. I put a video on in his room and left him there. G=man and I went in his room and crashed for a while. When I couldn't get G-Man to sit still in his very wiggly race car bed I went to my own as I told him to stay in his room. He did start crying later but he woudn't tell me what that was about.
Yesterday shaped up pretty well. I watched my soaps as Tiger slept from 1:30 to almost 3:30. G-man played on the computer while I showered and cleaned my bathroom. Once G-man was bored I printed out some papers to work on his writing and we did that from 3:30 to 5. I got Shane to say a lot of words and associate about half of them with real stuff. Supper was done early and Eddie was late. He brought home dvds, vhs tapes, books and books on tape from the library. He was forgiven. After supper, Billy Graham pre-empted ABC'd regularly scheduled re-runs so we popped in the Colonial House dvd and watched it. I guess we watched most of that series because a lot of it was very familiar. We migrated to the bedroom and I cut Eddie's hair as we watched the last of Everwood's Finale. I think I missed a segment of it, and I just couldn't get to sleep afterward. Midnight pulled me into sleep and as I said we were up way too early.
I'm counting the minutes until I can take a nap. I guess I need to shower then take a nap. I'm off to the Everwood site to see where I missed Madison.
I'm complaining again
I hate living with IBS. I hate the pain, fear, modesty garments, and legacy. I've passed this to my boys, along with BiPolar, ADD/ADHD, near sightedness, Insulin Resistance and Fibromyalgia. I know I can teach them how to manage their troubles but I can't seem to overcome the pain. I'm in pain, so I don't sleep, not sleeping leads to more pain and depression, deppression hurts physically as well as mentally. UGH.
oh my shoulder
My rotator cuff is really killing me. It's kinda hard to get in the floor to play with the baby then get back up without hurting it again and again. I feel foolish. I know better than to use that arm for anything. I'm right side dominant and eeeek it's my right shoulder.
Things are shaping up around here. The back patio looked like a hayfield with all the grass growing in the cracks around the stones. It was a mess last year too. Eddie moved the brush out there to the fire pit. He says that we'll use it at night to run away the mosquitos.
I finished my book today. I loved the romantic story but I didn't like the name or voice potraying the villan in the book. The reader has performed a lot of the other books I have heard by this author and uses the same voices. That was hard to disassociate the voices with the other characters. The playfulness of the characters in the romantic setting in all of Janet Evanovich's books is great. The dialogue is something I have discovered that I miss in our own lives.
Eddie took G-man out to go grocery shopping this afternoon after he went to his social skills class. I'm hoping that he's almost done and headed home. Tiger really hates his absences on Monday afternoon. It's usually much longer since G-Man also attended sessions for speech and physical abilities but he had achieved his goals in his physical abilities and today we learned that he had achieved his speech goals too. He graduated. We're really happy that this has happened because it will no longer be a drain on our gasoline budget. Now we can make playdates.
I'm really tired. I had a panic attack at 3 this morning and it drove me out of the bed and onto the internet to play games at neopets.com. They are really relaxing. It did take me two hours to really wind down. I also didn't go back to sleep right away after I returned to bed. I should have taken some arthritis medication when I got up instead of when I returned to bed. I think I would have returned to bed sooner. I know that my shoulder does not have arthritis but the medication works to control the pain so I can sleep.
The guys are home so I'll go help with groceries.
I'm up way too early
and I stayed up way too late. I went to bed at a decent hour but I just couldn't fall asleep. I knew I should have taken that sleeping pill. I got up and rocked the baby instead, I brought him to our bed too. He doesn't like to cuddle anymore or he has restless butt syndrome cause he tossed and turned for the whole time he was in there. I guess I experienced a blood sugar crash. I tried to get up to take the baby back to his bed and I had this awful dizzy spell. The room was spinning, putting my foot on the floor to stop the bed from moving didn't even help. I felt like I was on a ship caught in a hurricane. I did go to sleep though. Now I'm up. I've had a shower and started my day. I read all my email, causght up at Chit Chat, and read the last two days synopises for my soaps. My usually morning dizzy spell is starting and I'm thinking the distance to my pillow is way too far.
On the other hand, I stink. I have had my shower but I think my body chemistry is changing again. My deoderant doesn't work and I feel like I smell like onions all the time. I'm not eating onions that often. It's gross.
I dreamt about Jeffy tonight. That's probably why I went to rock the baby and why I'm up. My memories and my hopes for him always intitate a bipolar swing. I can't help it. I do handle it pretty well. It only affects my sleeping. Well that's not true my prayers for him get stuck on replay and I repeat them over and over. I guess my talking about him to the baby may have kept the poor kid awake, he's slept in so far this morning. lol, they are so much like him.
I thought I heard G-man thumping around, he's probably on a bathroom run. Even at 5 that bed looks awful big for him. He's as skinny as a rail, but he eats all the time. I'll miss that when they put him on the medication this fall. I hope that my work this summer can prevent it but so far there hasn't been any change. I've been doing the deep tissue and soft tissue sensory work and it's not helping either. I didn't want my kids to deal with this problem. I'm sorry boys, had I known that you would have been more likely to suffer through this I would have tried to change things. I didn't know about add and adhd back then, not until I was already pregnant with Jeffy. p&pt for you kiddo, stay safe.
