Living on West Tulsa Time

well my depression has caused some trouble here

Although I didn't hole up in my room for the night as I usually do on Fridays. The kids are so anxiety filled today that they are busting out all over with tears and tempertantrums.

I have to re-evaluate my thoughts about the offender from yesterday. What rational person can really expect that they can just stop talking to a person and expect that person to be waiting for them to finally get over it? It's not mature and it explains a lot about those cousins and their relationships and commitments to other people.

I know I was once like this. I know that I just walked away from a lot of people by doing stuff like this. I mourned the loss of friendships because I chose to end it this way. That's what this is The END.

I will not be waiting for them to get over it. I will not trust them to treat me as if anything I write is wanted or accepted at face value. Clearly they judge everything I say and twist it to be percieved as me judging them. I'm not really taking it personally either. I just felt utterly disposable and I'm not. You don't treat someone you love this way.

The baby is really bad shape. I was prepared to cuddle him until he truly woke up but he proceeded to throw a painful tempertantrum on my lap. I had to put him down. So far he's maintained the mad so that he could throw his food and drink, hit me and push on my already sore arm. I've put him into time out until he calms. He's quiet so maybe there is hope.

Labels: teen drama

posted by Debbysewn @ 12:42 PM 0 comments

I broke my agreements today.

I let someone kick me in the heart. I didn't do anything wrong to deserve it. I offered things to think on, things to reflect back on and she got mad about it.

I don't know why I ever thought this would ever work out. It's hard to live a good life when there are so many people who are eager to kick you in the teeth when you show them how good their live could be.

That old voice in my head keeps saying, "see he was right, you should have walked away from them all when I told you to and you wouldn't be living in this pain right now." And for now I think I'm going to let myself feel he's right.

Why did I stand beside people who aren't willing to stand beside me 100% of the time? Why did I stand up for people who get so easily offended by me?

I could have had my boy in my life if it weren't for choosing you people over him. Following your examples instead of doing the right thing. I know I only have myself to blame for it too.

Now I'm letting God down as well for turning my back on the world. The part of the world that I was sent here to engage, protect and love.

I'm also crying hysterically and scaring my kids to death. They don't know how to comfort me anymore than I could comfort my own mother when she was like this. Thank you for pushing me over the edge today.

posted by Debbysewn @ 11:09 AM 0 comments