I'm so sorry
I never wanted you to work during High School. I figured that your father and I would each have a job and you wouldn't need one to cover any of your expenses.
I really thought that when you entered school I would go to college and get my teaching degree. By the time you were in activities that needed money we would have it to give. At the very least I could support you with my income no matter where you lived.
So much for my plans. If I ever finish my law degree it will be a miracle. Meanwhile I'm working on a plan to at least cover your college expenses. I know that's only a few months away but I'm working on it.
I let myself get upset again
So I thought I would post it.
I wrote my family on Friday cause I went into Jeffy's store to buy tea. I tried to do it before Jeffy would be at work but I didn't make it. I told G-man that Jeffy might be there and to try not to get upset if we didn't see him. So I bought my tea and left.
Well later on my mother wants to know what type of tea so she can "supply" me with it if another chain closer to her carries it and I won't have to go into Jeffy's store. I thought, Mother, I can go in there every other week and Sr. will just have to get over it. Honestly, I'm beginning to doubt that it's even being made anymore and once this store is out I'm just going to have to start ordering it online. Then she tells me that she goes into Jeffy's store all the time and that Jeffy sees her. So does my sister. They have normal conversations with him as if they were any other customers. They just didn't tell me cause they didn't want me having panic attacks about it or telling Sr. that Jeffy has been keeping secrets.
So what am I doing, getting mad. First, why would they keep this from me? I share openly and honestly about my kids and what information I learn about him. Why do they always have to keep secrets from me? And when I'm feeling the worst about myself and my relationship with Jeffy, why do they say these things? It's like they always say so sorry you didn't get to see, talk to or hug him but I got to do this that or the other and since I'm not you I got away with it. I get to see him every year, you don't ::nanny nanny boo boo:: What other motivation would they have?
Okay they could be lying. BiPolar patients tend to live beyond reality. I know I have many times. And when I'm sharing they find any plausible excuse to cut me to the core to make themselves feel better. This has happened all my life, why should now be any different?
I was just starting to trust them again and I find out that they are either keeping secrets or lying. This triggers my own problems. I'm so filled with BiPolar related ??? that what every this is I can't think of the name for it. When a person feels like everyone is out to get them or in my case they're out to make sure I look like the uncaring unfeeling baby abandoning person they thought I was in 1992. What is that term? I can't think straight
sooooooo I AM having a panic attack. No it's a RAGE attack and it's been going on since Friday. I thought it was just PMS, mixed with a migraine but this has been going on since that email from my mother.
I ripped into Eddie on Saturday cause he didn't follow the schedule. Most of the time I can go with the flow but I've been off schedule since Friday and I'm scrambling to get back on it so I can regain control. It's been awful. I've been saying terrible stuff to him and the boys. Things that I don't mean the way they are coming out and when I feel remorse for it even that feels insincere. I honestly muttered the phrase that I felt like killing myself. This has pushed me that close to the edge.
So I'm fighting to reel myself in again. Putting this here helps. I still don't know the truth. In my heart I think that Jeffy wants to know me but he's too scared of offending his father and those others in his family. I don't know what to do to bring him out of that. I don't think I can do it. I'm just so Paranoid (there's the phrase I was looking for) that he's been lied to and I won't ever get to defend myself.
I love him so much and I had hoped that this would all be different. I don't have anyone to share this with.
I should have never signed those papers.
Dial up discrimination
Last year when I moved to Tulsa, SBC offered me 6 months free DSL. I was already a dsl customer but I was moving into a new "market" so I said sure, I was only going to be in the house for 6 months anyway and it was more expensive than what we had been paying so the savings was going to be helpfull. In the midst of learning that Ed's Ex Jonna had stopped paying on her part of the back taxes again, or she stopped filing income tax altogether, looking for a house to buy at the end of my 6 month lease and increasing G-man's weekly appointments for speech therapy. I didn't notice that SBC didn't bill me for the dsl service they only added back in the credit which in essence paid my "phone bill" for the month. By the time I noticed the problem they wanted $500 for services rendered.
After we bought the house we were forced to find telephone service from a competetor because we couldn't pay the other bill. Leaving me with dial up.
So I signed up for Gold Rush this week and my dial up can't upload the videos or flash player thingy-ma-bobs for me to participate. I also signed up for the message boards for my favorite soap operas. As it stands today,
won't let me do anything but read and I can only see a rock wall at Gold Rush. ::Whine::
So I checked out getting a job last week. To be able to afford Cable internet or pay off my DSL bill I need to earn $15.00 an hour. After a car payment, insurance to cover the new car, daycare, after school care, insurance for at least the boys, and taxes I would have just enough to cover the cost of basic internet services. Phew, I guess I'll just have to deal with dial up.
The Poor Staff at AVE
G-man was a terror the first two weeks of school. He hit, kicked and spit just about everyone he could. He disrupted everything he could and I was believing he was going to need to be restrained like Hannibal Lector. I took him out of school on Thursday to see someone but he didn't make it in time so we saw them on Friday then got into see a doctor about medication on Tuesday, not warranted at this time and we put a plan together to have him more supported on Wednesday. He seems to be doing better.
Okay yesterday he actually got on the bus that commutes to his old school instead of staying at the elementary school. That was both scary and an "awe" inducing moment. He probably felt that Kindergarten was too hard so he would go back to the 4 year old program where he was more supported. I don't know cause once he had been back at his new school he hit a little girl.
I love that kid but if the next 12.75 years are like the last 1.25 I'm going to need some really strong medications. He's so smart that I knew he needed the advanced efforts of a school like this but he doesn't seem to be mature enough to handle his own intelligence. I hope things get better soon.
