Oh Grandma
I sure do miss you. I can't believe it's been a year. A year since I chickened out and called Jennifer. A year of wishing that I had been more of strong person. Like you, I've always wanted to be like you. Strong and skilled. I just can't voice the pain I feel about letting you down. I've been kicking myself because I can't make up for the ways I have let you down. I love you, oh how I miss you and I'm sorry you had to go the way you did.
Garden goodies
I spent the day putting up tomatoes. I'm not adventurous to try to can them so I'm freezing them. The birds were vicious until we put out stakes with cd's swinging from them. Wish the birds were more interested in the Okra. We have tons. I have a "cake taker" sized bowl full of sliced okra in the fridge right now. Eddie brought in 2 eggplants a few weeks ago and 2 small acorn squash the week before last. He brought in 3 nice sized spaghetti squash last week and 4 cantaloupes today. I discovered that I can freeze all that stuff. We need a freezer now. Meanwhile, I only buy enough meat for 2 weeks and the extra stuff helps the freezer stay cooler and the whole unit work more efficiently. Eddie is so pleased with his "Grandpa" sized garden that he'd be out there now if it weren't so stinking hot. Next year we're going for corn too.
I'm ready for school to start
No not really cause I haven't bought school supplies and stuff but G-man is ready to go. I seriously doubt we're going to get through the year without ADD/ADHD medication because his activity level gets on my last nerve. However my prayers that he can focus in school are constantly going.
Geesh I'm weepy today. I'm tearing up cause Norm Abrams is on a PBS kids show. That's so sweet, that he came to work with the kids. OH man, I need less hormones today.
Yesterday was tough on me. I screwed up in 2004 and didn't pay off one of my bank loans. They've been trying for 2 years to get info on me and what money I had then and have now. Finally they tracked me down but they also followed through on a Contempt of court citation for not giving them financial info in 2004 and for not following the court order about not selling things unless they get paid from it. When I went to court I just knew I would be arrested. I was so scared and of course Eddie and the boys had to come cause we didn't have the money to take them to the drop in daycare. I didn't want the boys to see me taken away. The lawyer was okay about dropping the citation since I showed Once I made payment arrangements, and she got a look at my property she was satisfied. I got to go home. Eddie and I both had emotional hang overs afterward though.
what is drama
I was accused of creating drama yesterday when I stood up for myself in an email to my family. I broke my agreements and took my mother's yelling and conclusions personally. I couldn't help it. I get tired of being misrepresented by the woman who's lies destroyed more than one marriage and have made my life hell for years.
When I've been given ulitmatums to give her up or face consequences like not seeing Jr. ever again, I've obviously made the wrong choice. Why? Why should I have such loyalty to her abusive and cloying manners? Could it be an addiction to drama?
Most likely it was a lack of control. I wasn't feeling well, my own aches and pains were bothering me as well as my own bipolar. So I bristled at her comments. Okay honestly her comments that I was too mentally ill for her to be around have been bothering me from the time I heard them. Where does she get off acusing me of being so ill that I'm a menace to her? Excuse me, but I'm a product of her mistakes and the only menace to her is the guilt she should feel when she takes an inventory of her abusiveness toward me and my sister.
She tells me stuff like I tried to bash your head in cause you wouldn't stop crying, and I needed a break so I left you in the back of your father's truck all day so he could take care of you. It all makes me wonder why I've been so loyal since her rejection of me has obviously been going on since I was concieved.
Obviously I'm lucky that her attempts on my life didn't leave me permanently disabled, but I'm still emotionally scarred.
I'm almost always willing to rescue her until her decisions put me or my boys in jeopardy. She doesn't like that. After all she's been used to being #1 in my life but now that she isn't she can't take the pressure of being on her own and she creates drama?
I don't like that term, drama. It's real life not some made up soap opera where people are cast and recast, brought back from the dead or created to be clones.
In an attempt to resume my agreements I want to be sure to get somethings off my chest.
T needs to get off her high horse. Her life is drama, after all 2 incomes can't support her family and she wants her mother to contribute to the coffers. Pullleeeeezeeee. You're children and husband are the stress in your life so don't you dare blame your high pressure career. You chose to work in that environment, I didn't ask to have a loony for a mother. (okay I'll give you props for listening to a woman being blugeoned to death, but I'd give you more props if you were the officer, or lawyer that got that man put away for the rest of his life, did you even testify or did you let the tapes speak on the victim's behalf?)
I know travesties occur on a daily basis. We are living in a Godless society. Okay that's not right cause so many people worship their own personal gods; money, alcobol, chemical dependency, sex, etc... However, there's no unifying deity anymore. Heck there's no unifying anything around here.
Proud to be an American until you have to pay taxes or vote.
Proud to support our local schools until the option for a private school becomes available?
Proud of our home until we learn that one of our children is considered a lower class citizen based on income.
I don't know why I even bother.
IN MEMORIAM of Benjamin Hendrickson
Benajmin Hendrickson Dead at Age 55
Posted Wednesday, July 05, 2006 5:29:01 PM
In what will surely come as deeply upsetting news to soap fans, Procter & Gamble Productions and CBS have confirmed that Emmy winning actor Benjamin Hendrickson (Hal Munson) passed away suddenly over the weekend. Hendrickson was 55. According to a report in the New York Post, the actor died of a single, self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.
A 21-year veteran of As the World Turns, Hendrickson picked up a Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in 2003. In addition to his work on As the World Turns, Hendrickson also appeared on three other P&G soaps: Another World, Guiding Light and Texas. Hendrickson did not confine his remarkable talent to a single medium. In addition to his work on the show, Hendrickson appeared on Broadway in the 1984 revival of Awake and Sing, Strider and in the title role of The Elephant Man. His feature film credits include Spanking the Monkey, Regarding Henry, Consenting Adults and Manhunter. Prior to joining As The World Turns, Hendrickson appeared on Procter & Gamble Productions' Another World, Guiding Light and Texas.
"As The World Turns, Procter & Gamble Productions and the entire daytime community have lost a dear friend and a talented actor who brought to life the character of Hal Munson," says As The World Turns Executive Producer Christopher Goutman. "Benjamin always joked that he was hired for one day, then before he knew it he'd impregnated the leading lady and had to sign a contract. He intended to stay with the show for one year. How lucky for us and the fans that we had him for 21 years. We will continue to mourn his passing."
"Everyone at CBS Daytime is devastated by the loss of our friend and colleague Benjamin Hendrickson," says Barbara Bloom, Senior Vice President, Daytime Programs, CBS. "Benjamin's 21 year portrayal of Hal Munson is testimony to a gifted actor whose talent and loyalty will always be remembered by his fans and co-workers, as well as a very appreciative network. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family, his fellow cast members, the producers and everyone at As The World Turns during this difficult time."
Hendrickson attended the Juilliard School where he was a member of the first class of the drama division and a founding member of The Acting Company, under the late John Houseman.
In 2003, Hendrickson took time off from As the World Turns during what was a very difficult time in his life. His time away allowed him to care for his ailing mother and later mourn his death. In his Emmy acceptance speech that year, Hendrickson thanked his late mother for helping him accomplish his dream of going to Juilliard.
"To my mother who scrimped and saved to send me to Julliard to study the classics... I'm sorry," Hendrickson mused of his success in soaps as he held his Emmy above his head.
Born on August 26, 1950 in Huntington, New York, Hendrickson was an avid golfer and spent much of his down time on the green with his As The World Turns co-stars. His last air date as Hal Munson will be July 12, 2006.
A show spokesperson says that there are no plans to recast Hal at this time
http://www.soapcentral.com/atwt/news/2006/0703-hendrickson.php
I suspected he was ill until I read this article. He took a few personal leaves of absence where he would come back so thin and so weary looking. One absence was to care for his dying mother, but I always thought that he might have cancer from the way he looked when he returned each time. When Randolph Mantooth would step in for him I wouls be afraid he wouldn't return. Now I know he won't after next Wednesday.
The soap he worked on just turned 50 this year. As The World Turns is my all time favorite but it has been depressing be lately. There were/are rumors that my favorite actress, Martha Byrne (Lily/Rose) might not come back after her maternity leave, her character is currently in a coma. The writers just killed off Benjamin's character (Hal's) daughter (Jennifer Munson Donovan). The show is really dwindling down to nothing now with the absence of 3 lead characters.
I just cried when I read about Hal. I know I shouldn't define him by this role but the character was so wonderful and had been put through so much hell that I looked up to his grit. I respected the actor for his talent and ability to recover from whatever was affecting him and pulling him away from this devoted fan's attention.
Having watched my mother try to kill herself so many times, I kinda feel numb to the method he chose. I should feel angry. Instead I pray that he finds the peace in Heaven that he never felt on earth. If the prayer of one believer can send someone to Heaven then let it be my prayer that I get to meet him up there some day.
I too sleep to do this
so if I don't make sense that's my reason.
Yesterday was heaven and hell altogether. Since the boys were up so late Tuesday and so were we; we all slept late Wednesday morning. Tiger was first to arise and find that Eddie had done the chores without him. G-man arose just in time for Eddie to leave. The two really need their daddy time in the morning. In an attempt to share something magical with them I put in the recording of the Capitol 4th celebration. Elmo was on there but Tiger wanted to be alone and left the room. G-man did watch and when I replayed it later that day he was able to sing along.
I developed a migraine yesterday. Dealing with the boys as it built was awful. Tiger wouldn't nap and every noise G-man made was amplified. I went to bed after supper.
Once the boys were in bed Eddie and I hashed over Rockstar: Supernova. He doesn't know much about the musicians so we looked them up then retired to our room to watch the Boston Pops and the fireworks in Boston that I had also recorded. My headache eased for a time then rebounded. The short time of relaxation was really nice. We really connected better than we have in a long time.
My sleep was filled with pain. My dreams were filled with frustration, I was being held against my will by a crazed ex. He injured a Special Agent when he arrived to help. I finally got away and back to my boys. My family helped me retrieve the belongings that my captor said I "won in my divorce" which was a farce.
I couldn't identify my captor as a real person in my life. I think he was a mix of a certain personality and the guy that played "Dusty" in Twister. Mix that with watching NCIS and you can guess who the SA was and why I could go back after my "dowery".
I think I should go nap while the boys watch a movie.
